Current State

I feel like I need an intervention. I spent the end of 2013 on the Candida Cleanse; no sugar, dairy, grains and pork, among other things and by some crazy miracle, managed to become pregnant naturally after 6 failed rounds of IVF. Unfortunately, this didn't last and I had my second miscarriage at the end of April. Now it's July and I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I didn't really react too much to my second miscarriage, except to assure myself and everybody around me that I was not giving up, that this miscarriage was not going to break me, if anything I was even more ready to fight for a baby of my own! This worked for a few weeks, I did research, I got back on a bunch of supplements to raise my progesterone naturally since that seemed to be my issue with both miscarriages and then I just kind of flopped. I stopped taking the supplements, I stopped going to the gym (again) and I started to eat anything and everything in sight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost on the cleanse, my stomach problems are back full force and my skin is broken out worse than it has been in a very long time. Yay me!

 

I'm struggling with this idea that I should be able to balance the good and bad foods, the working out and the couch sitting but it seems to be a whole lot of all or nothing with me. Am I destined to either be on a strict diet for the rest of my life or have stomach problems, no baby and acne? The thing that gets me the most I think is the resentment I have for all of it. Why do I have to do this when other people who are clearly not healthy have babies all the time? And even better, why when I did all that I was supposed to and finally got pregnant on my own, was that baby taken from me too?

 

I'm trying to create a life where I manage my stress effectively, but the questions and resentments swirling in my head are not helping. On top of all this, I sort of hate my body and know I need to lose weight (more weight) but I guess the part of me that relentlessly believes I will be pregnant again soon wonders what the point of losing weight is, if I'm just going to gain it back when I'm pregnant? Let's be clear, I am not obese, I am just a little more plump in certain areas. I'm sure there are some ladies who would be totally fine with my size, but I am not. This is probably because I was underweight most of my life. Not so much anymore.  Of course, even back then I wasn't happy with my body.  Does that ever change?  I sure hope so.

 

I guess ultimately I'd like to be at peace with myself, like on a regular basis and for longer than 2 seconds.  At peace with my current state.  Mind, body and soul?  Yeah, that sounds good.

Miracle Workers

I've spoken recently about wanting to become more at one with my body with yoga and meditation.  Then even more recently, I had another miscarriage.  While the whole thing is very sad, the thing I keep coming back to is that I actually got pregnant NATURALLY for the first time ever!  This is a big deal.  My doctor even called it a miracle.  I'm thinking he's the friggin miracle!  He basically gave me a 3 month timeframe to get me pregnant and then made it happen!  I have been enduring failed fertility treatment after failed fertility treatment for almost four years and this guy comes into my life and puts me on a detox diet, some supplements and does some acupuncture and I get PREGNANT!  I was in disbelief leading up to the test.  Sure, I obviously hoped he could make it happen, but I hoped the same thing with three other fertility specialists who all swore from the beginning that getting me pregnant would be not hard at all and then failed OVER AND OVER.  And this guy was just quietly confident but still never promised anything except to get me healthy.  So, even though it didn't quite work out this time, it's like the fire inside of me has been relit!  I'll admit, I was starting to waver and I was about to take a real break, even started considering the idea of adoption and then I got pregnant!  I firmly believe now, that we have the ability to heal ourselves with diet, exercise, and meditation.  I also now think I know what my problems have been all these years.  Two problems; inflammation and low progesterone.  I was able to fix the inflammation with my diet (even fixed my stomach and skin issues) but since I didn't test very early because I was on vacation and also because I was having a hard time believing that it could be true, I didn't catch the low progesterone early enough.  But, I'm on a mission now!  I have been kind of ordered to relax for a few months by both my midwife and my holistic D.O. (i.e. miracle worker) and in that time I plan to go back on the detox, go back to the gym, de-stress (stress lowers progesterone) and try to raise my progesterone naturally with supplements and herbs (I also plan to resume my year of fun!).  Then, at the end of the summer I will go back to the doctor and get my progesterone checked to see if I am able to raise it naturally and go from there.
So in my new frame of mind I have gotten very interested in people who talk about balancing hormones and overcoming infertility naturally and today I happened upon a website linked in a Goop newsletter (it's been slow at work so I've been catching up on 500 cajillion emails) for Be Hive of Healing (the word "healing" got me to click) and found the video from Fertility Planit with Dr. Habib Sadeghi.  These people are saying exactly what I believe!  I've only had time to watch two videos, but I plan to go through the site more and hope I can learn even more to help align with my current situation.




I didn't really plan to talk about this miscarriage on here but I've never been one to hold things in and I feel like maybe if more people were honest about miscarriages women wouldn't feel so alone when they have them.  I definitely dealt with this one way better than the first one but that doesn't mean that I'm not heartbroken, I'm just not defeated.  Maybe my body just wasn't as healthy as it needs to be yet.  I will make this happen one day and when I do finally hold my healthy baby in my arms, it will be that much more of a gift!

Filling my 2014 Life Planner with an Amazing Year

I decided on this Erin Condren Life Planner...

I really wanted the Gold Series, but couldn't bring myself to spend the money, so I went with a similar look with a smaller price tag.  

When I got the planner (which is super cute btw), I told myself I was going to fill it with an amazing year.  I have spent the last few years with my life revolving around getting pregnant and after 3.5 years and 6 failed IVFs, among other things, I'm over it.  It's time to live my life.  So, it has been my mission to start planning fun stuff for the year.  I bought tickets to see Fall Out Boy and Paramore with my husband and siblings in June (Pit tickets like I think I'm 22 again!),  I'm planning a game night with my cousins, a trip to see my in-laws in Florida, a trip to Boston to visit a friend, movie dates (with my husband and girlfriends), Yankees tickets for my stepdad's bday, and that's just my ideas so far!  Trying to have a baby, when it's not working, is very tiring.  I'm excited about my year of fun ahead!  Hopefully, we'll even get out of the country at least once.  Either way, I know it's going to be an amazing year.

Just a quick check in

I've been super busy with work and baby making fun, but I just wanted to check in!  I just went through my second fresh egg retrieval.  Twelve eggs, 10 fertilized, now I just wait to see how strong they grow!  Hoping the third time's the charm!  I love my new doctor and I'm really impressed with the fact that he had me on less meds., but managed to get me more eggs and not overstimulated!  Pretty much love this guy!  A July baby sounds pretty good to me right about now.  I guess we shall see.

War

I spent last week on my couch.  When the doctors said I'd just feel a little cramping after my IVF egg retrieval, they lied.  Let's start from the beginning.  Last Saturday, I had my final doctor appointment before trigger shots and then retrieval scheduled for Monday.  Around 10 am, they called to tell me my estrogen was high and I might be at risk for over stimulation, so they called in a prescription for me to help and told me not to worry.  About an hour later I was vomiting.  I called the doctor to tell them and I was told I had two choices.  I could go ahead with the retrieval as planned but I'd have to freeze the embryos and do the transfer in a month or two.  This was not something I wanted to do, especially since the office is closed for "quality control" in July and I have a vacation planned for August which would put me at September for the transfer.  Not cool.  My other option was to hold off a night on the trigger, see the doctor in the morning (on a Sunday) and see if my estrogen came down at all to do a retrieval on Tuesday and hopefully transfer a few days later.  I chose this option and hung up with the doctor.  She called me back 5 minutes later to tell me she called me in a prescription for the nausea and that she did not recommend option 2 (why give it to me then?!) for fear that my eggs will start to die off from coasting (no more hormones to keep them growing) and I'll lose the whole cycle.  I was pretty bummed, but I'd rather at least have something to freeze than nothing at all.  And I was still hopeful that it could all work out and I'd still be able to transfer.  Technically, there'd be almost a week between retrieval and transfer for me to get better, right?

Monday, I went in for the retrieval.  Got there and they set me up with an IV in my wrist (first time for that spot!) for the anesthesia.  Maybe 15 minutes later I was in the procedure room and was being told to let them know when I was feeling the good stuff, next thing I know I was being told it was over and to move over to a gurney.  I was rolled into recovery and eventually met by my husband.  I must have been falling in and out of sleep though because it felt like I was only in there 15 minutes before they said it was okay for me to leave but my husband says I was in there for over an hour.  I got up from the bed and immediately felt nauseous and started sweating.  Luckily, it didn't last long though and I didn't puke on the floor.  We went home and I dozed in and out on the way.

My wrist IV

Once home, I settled in on the couch and fell back to sleep.  I was in a lot of pain, but I was sure it would pass soon.  I was wrong.  I could not stand up without help, I could barely walk to the bathroom.  It was awful.  I barely slept at night.  There was just no way to get comfortable and the Tylenol I was allowed to take for pain was not cutting it.

I planned to work from home Tuesday and get back to work Wednesday.  That didn't happen.  I couldn't work from home on Tuesday, balancing a laptop on my lap or bending forward to use it on a table was just not an option.  I did work from home Wednesday and Thursday and started to finally feel a little better Thursday night.  I'm not kidding when I say it felt like someone sliced every one of my stomach muscles and broke my ribs.  And I've been through 2 kidney stones, 2 ruptured cysts, various leg and foot surgeries, this pain was serious!

Throughout the week, I got calls each day from the embryologist updating me on my 10 eggs.  I started with 26 follicles, ended up with 10 eggs (some of the follicles were empty and some were actually cysts), 9 eggs fertilized.  All 9 split twice and then 2 took the lead and the other 7 started to lag behind.  I got the call Thursday saying my transfer would be the next day (yay, no waiting!).  I drank my 18 oz. of water prior and went in ready to go.  Only, I apparently didn't drink enough so they made me drink more water and said they 'd be back in 20 minutes.  About an hour later they returned and I felt like I was going to burst!  The transfer is not painful just uncomfortable because your bladder is so full and they are all up in there with a clamp and a syringe and the they're using the ultrasound thing on your full stomach.  It was pretty cool watching them release the embryos (we transferred 2) on the monitor.

All my boys keeping me company on the couch (and the laundry)

Wiley peeking at me from behind my pillow

So, now we wait.  We transferred 2 embryos and ended up with 4 good enough to freeze.  We are very hopeful that we'll have some good news very soon!  I feel like these last 2 years have been a war and I'm ready for some good things!

My friend's five year old daughter started talking to me about the baby in my belly on Monday, I was totally caught off guard.  And then a few more times that evening she would say something about me being pregnant.  They say kids know these things, so we'll see!  The funny part was, when I asked her if I was having a boy or girl she responded with, "I don't know!"  Like it was the craziest thing I ever asked her.  Ha.  I guess she doesn't know everything!  But let's hope she's right about one thing!

IVF in the works.

I suppose it's unusual for me to talk about my infertility issues, but I'm kind of to the point where I just don't care anymore.  It's a huge part of my life right now, a way bigger part than I'd like it to be.  One miscarriage, 4 rounds of Clomid, 3 IUIs and now onto IVF (In-vitro Fertilization), this is not how I expected my road to a baby to go.  But, I'd be lying if I said my life has ever been easy.  So, fine, we'll do it the hard way.
I had my "next step consult" a few weeks ago.  I made the appointment a few weeks prior when I still wasn't sure I'd need it (if the third IUI worked, I wouldn't) because I didn't want to waste any time or be told I'd have to skip a cycle due to everything being so time sensitive.  It ended up that my appointment landed on Day 1 of my cycle (TMI, maybe? ha) and I was very eager to get the process started.  I was not happy when the doctor told me I wouldn't be able to start this cycle.  The next day I decided to contact another doctor, if I had a month to wait, I may as well look into my options.  Especially because I hadn't been too happy with my experience so far.  The doctors are okay, but some of the staff leaves something to be desired and there have been a few times where I've felt like they don't really care about me or my quest to get pregnant.  The staff can lack compassion sometimes which is odd considering what the subject matter is.  A bunch of women trying to have babies unsuccessfully for at least a year, usually filled with hormones!  They need a little love!
I called and made an appointment with another doctor and then requested my files from my doctor.  Funny how the next day I got a call saying I'd be starting IVF this cycle!  I've been on birth control since last Saturday, that will be over Jan. 2 and then I'll start on shots.  I'll go in for surgery to retrieve all my eggs (hopefully there will be a lot) mid to late June.  And then we'll see what happens!
I went in for my second meeting on IVF last Wednesday.  I went a lone because my husband had to work.  I didn' think it would be a big deal.  I was wrong.  Midway through the meeting I was asked how I'd feel about terminating a pregnancy if say we transferred 3 embryos (this is unlikely because multiples freak me out slightly) and I ended up pregnant with triplets but one wasn't doing well.  Would I be okay, at 11 weeks with terminating the one that wasn't doing well?    I was not expecting this question.  NOT AT ALL.  And between the stress, the hormones, and the heavy subject matter of the question, I lost it.  I got hysterical in the doctor's office.  Total mess.  Eleven weeks is very close to the 12 week mark when we're all told is the point where pregnancy viability gets a lot safer.  I'm still not sure what I'd do.  But, I'm hoping I never have to actually make that decision.  One, MAYBE two babies is the goal!  Healthy, that's what matters most.
I saw this blog post tonight and really think when I do finally have that baby, I'd love a photographer in the room.  Those photos are just one in a lifetime!  Maybe I'll see how much my wedding photographer would charge?  Probably a fortune, but we'll see.  Gotta get there first!

Life On Hold

I feel like my life is on hold right now.  My whole life basically revolves around trying to have a baby right now, between the shots and the blood work and the ultrasounds every other day and then the waiting to see if it worked and then when it doesn't work waiting to try it all again.  I was thinking tonight about going on a vacation with my husband.  It's been a couple of years since we had a real vacation together (frankly, Knoebels doesn't count and actually was only something I started because I thought we'd have a baby by now).  I want to go to Mexico or Greece, anywhere that requires a bathing suit and a passport.  But, I can't plan vacation when I have to be at the doctor so often and so I wait until I am pregnant, but at this rate, who knows when or even if that is going to happen?!  I could take a break from trying to get pregnant for a little while, but I feel like that would be bad idea since I have the insurance right now and there's no guarantee I'll have my current job forever.  I would not be a happy camper if I didn't take advantage of my current insurance and then lost the opportunity!  So instead, I'll keep going.  I'll put the rest of my life on hold, (I can't even go to the gym!), and move on to the next step of IVF.  I'm not happy about it, but I am grateful that at least I have insurance that covers it.  And maybe I can go on vacation next summer!

What to Expect When You're Expecting...the movie

I'm a girl who likes to go to the movies.  There are some periods of time where my husband and I go every week.  We live about 5 minutes from a theater that only charges $5.50 (used to be $5) for the first showing of any movie so we roll out of bed on Sundays and go to the movies.  We can actually leave when it's supposed to be starting and get there in time for previews!  My mom likes to say I see movies based on who is acting in them not necessarily what they are about.  This might be true.  Either way, I see a lot of movies.
One movie I want to see is "What to Expect When You're Expecting", but I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure if it's a good idea.  If I weren't trying to get pregnant (for so long), I'd see it no problem or if I was already pregnant, I'd see it of course.  But, since I'm not pregnant (that I know of yet) I might end up spending the whole movie crying.  And let's be honest, I've been doing enough of that lately with all the hormones.
It does look like a good movie though, I like the ensemble casts in a movie ala "New Year's Eve" and "Valentine's Day".  I saw a preview for it the other day and Elizabeth Banks' character's phone was going off because she was ovulating and she jumped on her husband.  I can definitely relate to being hyper aware of things like ovulation (and using phone apps to track it)!  I also like the scene where Brooklyn Decker's character sneezes and out pops her baby!  Ha, a girl can dream!

                                                                  In theaters May 18!

Third Time's the Charm?!

Today was the day for my third (and final) IUI.  If it works, my husband and I will have a baby at the end of January and if it doesn't, we'll be moving on to IVF.  There were a few things that were different about this IUI than the others.

1. My husband had to work so I went alone this time.
2. We had the highest amount of swimmers and motility this time.
3. The room they did it in was different.
4. They left me with my legs up longer this time.
5. They are starting me on Progesterone earlier in the process.  The last two times they started me after my one week ultrasound, this time I'll be starting in 3 days.

Is this where the magic happened?

I'm hoping the next two weeks don't totally drag.  And I'm really hoping one of those 37 million sperm finds their destination.  I've been sitting with me feet up all day and trying to relax.  Those suckers better swim!

Needles and hormones

If you read my blog, or know me in person, you probably know that I'm going through fertility treatments.  Believe me, I never thought I'd be considering IVF (invitro fertilization) but things don't always work out like we plan!  When my husband and I first decided to expand our little family, we had no idea the journey we were in for.  It's been almost 2 years, 1 miscarriage, 4 rounds of Clomid and we are now on our third round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) with shots.  If this last attempt doesn't work, we will be moving on to IVF.
The first round of IUI, I was so optimistic, why wouldn't it work?  Especially since the doctors have pegged me with "unexplained infertility".  But, it didn't work.  Luckily, we jumped right into round 2 and sped up the process a little.  But, that didn't work either.  So now, I'm on round 3, three vials of Bravelle a night at this point and another doctor appointment tomorrow before work.
I have to say, it's really starting to take its toll on me mentally and physically.  I'm lucky enough to be producing a lot of follicles, but that's causing my ovaries to become enlarged, which is uncomfortable bordering on painful.  Not to mention, I've gained a ton of weight since I've started with the shots.  I have not actually weighed myself, but my stomach has gotten huge and none of my pants fit me.  It's not fun.  I could really do without this lovely side effect!  On top of that, I'm not allowed to go to the gym.  I can't risk, jostling things or even worse, twisting or flipping an ovary (who even knew this was possible?!), so I have to avoid the gym.  Also, I am so emotional!  I almost started crying at work the other day while talking to a co-worker and just tonight I started crying for no reason.  I have no idea why, I was just reading my blog roll and I started to cry!
I really can't wait for this all to be over.  I'm ready for that baby and I'm also ready to stop putting my body through these things!  Hopefully, the third time's the charm!

I get to stick one of these suckers in my leg every night!

New blog love

Today I was perusing Pinterest and clicked on a makeup photo which led me to a new blog called The Honeybee!  I've been reading it on and off all day and I've come away with two thoughts.  1. I would like an Alexander Wang Rocco bag with rose gold hardware and 2.  I hope when I'm nine months pregnant I can look like Andee, but seeing as how my butt is already bigger than hers, it's not likely.  I kinda feel like I should go on a starvation diet in the next few weeks before I find out if the second IUI worked.  Of course, I realize this is unhealthy, so instead I'm cutting back on the meat, sweets and dairy.  I actually made this decision before seeing Andee 9 months pregnant but I have to admit, it's an extra push.  In preparation, I watched 'Food Inc.' again today.  Just to gross myself out a little more about the state of our food.  So the goals are these:

1.  Juice every day.  I have a very expensive juicer that I rarely use.
2.  Eat less meat and more vegetables and grains.
3.  Cut out the added sugar, specifically in things like cookies and cupcakes.
4.  Cut out dairy.  Or at least cut back.  I don't consume a ton of dairy, but I do like cheese on my tacos and in my salads.  Oh and I'm also a fan of sour cream on my tacos.  I eat a lot of tacos.

I have to say that I have a tire around my waist that I'm not a fan of and I have awful skin (or really it's just my chin area) and while neither of these things are being helped by the hormone shots I've been giving myself, the shots are also not the main cause.  I can stand to eat better, especially since I'm forbidden from going to the gym these days.  No jostling things.  The spin bike in my living room is starting to collect dust.  I might try to do some slow steady state though.  I'm just afraid to hurt anything.  No jostling.

Miracles and Clean Rooms!

Friday was my IUI.  Now we just wait and see.  We're staying positive about it though!  But we thought since we are waiting for a baby we should make room for one.  So, we cleaned out the spare bedroom which has mostly been to hold extra crap and wedding stuff (yes, we got married in 2009), it had a brief use as a guest room for a couple days last year, but went right back to being a mess after.  No really, it was a mess.

 Before

After!

Of course, a few things still need to be done before a baby can go in there, but it's come a long way in a few shorts hours!  I mean, you can see the floor, that's gotta be good.  That bear on the futon was given to me by my now husband back when we were in college.  That's perfect for a baby room!

While cleaning out this room, I found a few things!  A $50 gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond from our shower.  Seriously.  A little tin box with letters from high school.  And a few random photos.

On the left we have my little brother, he was like 4, he's almost 18 now.  And on the right is me, my mom, and dad.  This is the last photo of us together.  Memories!

We're hoping to make some new memories in that spare bedroom, I'm thinking late nights and early mornings with a beautiful baby.  Until then, I think I'll be doing some yoga and reading in that room.  I'm hoping it's prenatal yoga, and "What to Expect When You're Expecting" reading though.  :)

Kind of love this...

After the birth, what a family needs

Babies on the brain

With being in the process of IUI (intrauterine insemination for those not lucky enough to have experience with infertility!), I definitely have babies on the brain!  I've already decided on the nursery color (grey, of course), we've agreed on a boy name (which means we'll probably end up with a girl, since we can't agree on a girl name), and I've even started adding things to my Amazon wish list for baby (is that weird?).  I just happened to be looking at strollers on Target.com and I saw these strollers that made me laugh.

Peg Perego Aria Twin Stroller

Peg Perego Triplette Stroller

Twins are 25% more likely with IUI and triplets are less than 5% more likely!  Twins I can handle (hopefully) but anything more and I'm not sure I could handle it.  Of course, you handle what you have to, but I'm small and I have bad balance so I'm not sure my body could actually carry three (or more) babies at once.  That's not to say, I won't be happy with whatever I get, but I'm really just aiming for one!  Something more like this.

Mia Moda Energi Stroller

Feeling Guilty

Last week I posted about getting back on track with Livefit but unfortunately, that didn't happen.  I started shots for IUI and found out that I needed to keep the physical activity to a minimum.  I've been waiting too long to be ruin my chances so I can go to the gym, so I stayed home and tried to relax.  I feel guilty about it, but I have to think about what's most important right now.  What's important right now is giving myself shots every night at 10 pm, going for ultrasounds and blood work every other morning before work and putting all my positive energy into making this WORK.  I want this to be a one time thing.  I want to make sure that this year for my birthday, I'm getting good news and not bad.
In other news, I finally finished my personal training certification.  It only took me 2.5 years!  It's such a load off my shoulders!  Of course, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but I'm just glad I got it!  I'd love to use it to help me get into writing for magazines etc.  We shall see.

My life right now

Today is Sunday and I'm getting ready for the week.  I've fallen off the fitness train the last few weeks, but I plan to jump back on tomorrow!  I have a lot going on right now, but I'm hoping to pull it all together and start getting things done!

The photo kind of sums up my life right now.  I just ordered a bunch of stuff from bodybuilding.com, I bought new lifting gloves (on clearance at Target!), then there's my prenatal gummy vitamins and the sharps container to hold all my discarded meds stuff for the IUI I just started.  See, on one side I'm trying to take control of my body and transform it into something I love and on the other side, I'm letting medicine take it over and help me create something I've been having trouble creating on my own (with my husband) not matter how much love I have for it.  So, like I said, a lot going on.  Part of me, doesn't want to push too hard in the gym, for fear that it will hurt my chances of getting pregnant, but I also want to make sure I'm healthy enough to create and carry a healthy baby for 40 weeks.  I go back to the doctor on Tuesday (blood work and ultrasounds every other day for about a week and a half!) so hopefully I'll see a doctor for more than 3 minutes this time and get a chance to ask about the weight lifting.  Until then, I'm starting Livefit back up tomorrow (I should be at week 10, but I think I'm going to start with week 8 since I've been off a few weeks) and I'm going to keep my weights on the lighter side for now.  I'm thinking heavy weights won't actually hurt until I'm pregnant, but I don't want to take any chances!

I gave myself my first shot last night and let me tell you, that video could stand to go a little slower!  I had to keep rewinding.  I'm pretty sure I lost some of the medicine trying to get an air bubble out and I'm pretty sure the air bubble never got out.  But, I'm still alive so, I guess I didn't screw up too much.  I'm hoping it gets easier!  The actual shot barely hurt.  I'm used to needles, spent more time than most in a hospital, but I still wasn't sure about giving myself shots.  Definitely not as bad as giving yourself a bikini wax!  :)

Crap day

I gotta be honest, today kinda blew.  I'm not pregnant, again, so now I have to start IUI in a few days.  I was REALLY hoping that even though I already paid for the medicine (and it's living in my refrigerator currently) that I'd be pleasantly surprised this month and just BAM, get pregnant the old fashioned way!  Guess not.  So, once I realized this, my mood took a plunge today.  I almost had a total fit at Wegman's tonight because they didn't have everything bagels and then I watched a guy take the last 8 slice pork roll (I like my pork roll thin) and almost really started to cry.  Luckily, I spotted an 8 slice shoved in with 4 slices. I realize that these things don't matter, but I was already in a crap mood so these things just seemed that much worse!
If I have to look on the bright side, the monthly visitor came a day early this month, so I get to start IUI earlier, which means I will hopefully be pregnant sooner!  Ha.  The sooner the better, it's getting close to two years people!  Did I also mention that I would find out if the IUI works right around my birthday?  Considering last year, I had a miscarriage a week before my birthday and two ruptured cysts, getting good news this year I think is not too much to ask!  I might even end up with twins!  That would be crazy.

Good Riddance, 2011!

I don't know about all of you, but I'm pretty over 2011 and can't wait for 2012!  I wouldn't be exaggerating to say that 2011 was the worst year of my adult life.  I don't need to get into all the gory details, but let's just say, 2011 blew.  But, I'm optimistic about 2012 and of course I have a few goals for the new year!  Let's get to the list...

1.  Finally finish my PT cert., I should be done in the next couple weeks.  I'm almost done with the course work and then I just need to get my CPR/AED certification.
2.  Get my new website up and running (and in the process master Dreamweaver).
3.  Give myself a break once in awhile, I expect a lot from myself.
4.  Finish Jamie Eason's 12 week Live Fit Challenge (I start Monday!).
5.  Have a baby.  (I realize at this point that I have little control over this, but I do still hope it happens in 2012!).
6.  Stop biting my nails!
7.  Make my house look like a home.  We've been living in our house for over 5 years and it almost looks like we just moved in, besides all the crap everywhere.
8.  Get organized.
9.  Pay off the rest of my credit cards.  I managed to pay off a couple in 2011 and I'd like to pay off the rest in 2012.
10.  Leave the country.  It's been a couple years and it's about time.

Check out my pink sparkly nails for NYE!  I figure if they look pretty I won't bite them.

Kidney Stone

Disclaimer:  I'll be posting a photo of my stone, so if that grosses you out, I'd close your eyes!  Or don't read this. :)


So, to review, I woke up Sunday night in crazy pain and it just got worse from there.  With the blood in my pee, I assumed it was kidney related and I had kidney stones back in like 2003 and only passed one, so I figured it might be a stone.  Monday I went to the regular doctor, they gave me Percocet and told me to get an x-ray.  My sister took me for an x-ray at the hospital that night and the stone was still up in my kidney.  I called a urologist in hopes of a quick appointment and the woman literally laughed at me, luckily I didn't take no for an answer and she gave me another branch to call.  I found out later they have TWENTY doctors at that location!  But, I'm glad it worked that way, because I ended up seeing the doctor I did and I love him.  He's nice, helpful, smart, and he dressed well.  Seriously, I'm in love.  Anyway, I saw the doctor Wednesday.  He told me to get a CT scan Friday and then see him again with a plan to do that sound wave surgery to get the stone out next Thursday.  But, when I saw him Friday my CT scan showed that the stone was now very close to my bladder so he could no longer do the sound wave surgery.  He thought I'd pass the stone this weekend if I drank lots of fluids, but if not, he'd laser the stone out Monday which would give me a little window to possibly still get pregnant this month!  See, he's awesome.  But, no surgery needed because I passed the stone last night!  It's pretty freakin huge and I am so happy it's out!

See, isn't it huge?!  That thing has been hanging out inside of me for like 8 years!  Crazy.  Okay, now I have to go bathe before my husband gets home.  Stinky me doesn't help my cause.

Jamie Eason plans thwarted by kidney stones

I was planning to start the Jamie Eason Live Fit 12 week program on Monday, but Sunday night I started peeing blood and in the middle of the night, the pain came.  Pain that brought right back to that night in college when I thought I was going to die.  I literally thought I should keep the bathroom door unlocked so my roommates could get in if I died.  Turned out to be 2 kidney stones.  I passed one of them and as of this March when I was in the hospital for other reasons, the other one was still there hanging out.  I was told it was rather large so it probably wouldn't move.  Ha, guess they were wrong!  I went to the doctor yesterday and of course they were barely helpful, gave me a prescription for percocet (which is not really helping the pain and only causing me to vomit) and Flomax to loosen my urinary tract and help me pass the stone more easily, but apparently my insurance company thinks only men get kidney stones and need Flomax, so I'm still waiting on special permission for that one!  I also went for a stomach x-ray yesterday.  Not that anyone told me what it showed.  Tomorrow I go see a urologist.  When I called to make an appt. the first woman on the phone actually laughed at me when I asked for an appt. today and told me that they are a specialist so I won't be getting an appt. for 2-3 weeks! I told her that was ridiculous and by then I'd probably no longer have a problem.  She gave me the number of another of their offices.  Funny how when I called there, that woman was helpful and personable and got me an appt. for tomorrow!
I'm pretty amazed that this kidney stone has decided to move this week of all weeks.  This is my week for baby making after my last month of Clomid before I see a specialist!  How I'm supposed to make a baby in this pain, I'm not so sure.  Maybe this is my body's way of telling me a baby is just not in my cards right now or maybe it wanted to get rid of the stone before the baby.  Because I definitely would not want a kidney stone while pregnant!  So, I'm trying not to get too upset about the timing of it all.
The pain is a lot better today so far, so who knows, maybe I'm about to pass it!  I'm going to drink lots of water today and hope it helps!
And Jamie Eason will have to wait until next week!

P.S. I'm super grateful for that woman at the Delaware Valley Urology Mt. Laurel office, she was helpful and nice!