Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Current State

I feel like I need an intervention. I spent the end of 2013 on the Candida Cleanse; no sugar, dairy, grains and pork, among other things and by some crazy miracle, managed to become pregnant naturally after 6 failed rounds of IVF. Unfortunately, this didn't last and I had my second miscarriage at the end of April. Now it's July and I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I didn't really react too much to my second miscarriage, except to assure myself and everybody around me that I was not giving up, that this miscarriage was not going to break me, if anything I was even more ready to fight for a baby of my own! This worked for a few weeks, I did research, I got back on a bunch of supplements to raise my progesterone naturally since that seemed to be my issue with both miscarriages and then I just kind of flopped. I stopped taking the supplements, I stopped going to the gym (again) and I started to eat anything and everything in sight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost on the cleanse, my stomach problems are back full force and my skin is broken out worse than it has been in a very long time. Yay me!
I'm struggling with this idea that I should be able to balance the good and bad foods, the working out and the couch sitting but it seems to be a whole lot of all or nothing with me. Am I destined to either be on a strict diet for the rest of my life or have stomach problems, no baby and acne? The thing that gets me the most I think is the resentment I have for all of it. Why do I have to do this when other people who are clearly not healthy have babies all the time? And even better, why when I did all that I was supposed to and finally got pregnant on my own, was that baby taken from me too?
I'm trying to create a life where I manage my stress effectively, but the questions and resentments swirling in my head are not helping. On top of all this, I sort of hate my body and know I need to lose weight (more weight) but I guess the part of me that relentlessly believes I will be pregnant again soon wonders what the point of losing weight is, if I'm just going to gain it back when I'm pregnant? Let's be clear, I am not obese, I am just a little more plump in certain areas. I'm sure there are some ladies who would be totally fine with my size, but I am not. This is probably because I was underweight most of my life. Not so much anymore.  Of course, even back then I wasn't happy with my body.  Does that ever change?  I sure hope so.
I guess ultimately I'd like to be at peace with myself, like on a regular basis and for longer than 2 seconds.  At peace with my current state.  Mind, body and soul?  Yeah, that sounds good.

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