Monumentour!

Keeping up with the Year of Fun in 2014, I went to the Monumentour the other night with my husband and siblings.  I got the tickets back in February and have been looking forward to it since.  Well, sort of.  I was looking forward to the concert, not so much looking forward to the Pit tickets I foolishly purchased.  I must have temporarily forgotten that I am old now and even when I wasn't old, I wasn't into standing in the Pit at a concert.  I don't like standing (seriously, ever) and I also have crap balance so I like to avoid occasions where there are large masses of people and potential for me to get knocked over and trampled!  So, while I was looking forward to the concert, I was dreading the getting tampled part.  Luckily, I managed to find a spot at the back of the Pit, by the rail, with a little step/bench that I could rest on if I needed to.

First, New Politics played.  I don't really know this band, except maybe one song they play on the radio and I can't say I'm going to run out and buy their cd now, but I have to say, they were really fun to watch!  They just seemed to really love being there and performing.  The lead singer even did a bunch of breakdancing/yoga moves and at one point, stood up in the crowd, trusting people to hold him up.  It was a nuts.

Then came Paramore.  This was the second time I saw Paramore, the first being only a few months ago at the same venue (seats were really far back then), and I would totally see them again!  They also seemed to be really happy to be there and performing.  Hayley Williams runs all over the stage, jumping around and singing.  They were great and the confetti they shoot at the crowd was fun.  I was bummed I didn't get a balloon though.

By the time Fall Out Boy came on, I was ready for bed.  Yeah, I'm that old.  It got really crowded and I was no longer very comfortable, I was ready to go home.  But, we stayed until the end.  Maybe it was me being tired or maybe it was them, but FOB didn't seem to be as into it as the other two bands.  It was a little surprising since they kept saying how they were so happy to have gotten this tour together (and this tour just started), but they have been doing this a long time, maybe they're over it.  Maybe it's just a job now.  They weren't bad, they just didn't seem that excited.  Ha.  But, I guess anything can start to get old if you do it often enough and they have been doing it for awhile.

All in all, we had a great time!  My brother and sister had fun, my brother even slapped Pete Wentz's hand because he got so close to the stage.  It would have been nice to get that close, but I saw all the "enter at your own risk" signs, I wasn't moving!  Afterwards, my husband and I went to Wawa to get food.  I felt like I was back in high school with our late night runs for a Wawa hoagie!  When we got home, we ate our hoagies and watched the new Girl Meets World and officially knew we were old.

me and my baby

me and my brother

me and my sister

Goodebox #1

I've talked about trying to change my skincare and makeup to more natural products and so when I heard that Goodebox would be releasing 4 limited edition boxes to go with the A Night for Green Beauty event in August, I knew it would be a great way to start!  The boxes have at least 5 full size products from leading green beauty brands and cost $110 each.  There are only 50 of each box, so when they go on sale you have to move fast!
Here is the first box:

 

 

Inside:

 

African Botanics Neroli Infused Marula Oil

Odacite Ac+R Concentrate

Kahina Giving Beauty Serum

Juice Beauty lipgloss

Lurk perfume

Province Apothecary Regenerating + Stimulating exfoliator

 

I think the box ends up being worth close to, if not over, $300.  So far, I've used the Neroli oil a couple times, the Odacite (the first time I didn't mix it with a lotion like they instruct, and it really didn't go far, so now I mix it with the Pollen & Wax Velvet lotion I bought a while ago, much better), and I've used the exfoliator twice, once mixed with water and once with Manuka honey (I swear it smells like foccacia, but my friend thinks I'm nuts since it's made with nothing that resembles foccacia).  I haven't tried the Kahina serum yet and forget to use the perfume or the lipgloss.  To be honest, I'm not sure about mixing all those different oils.  I kind of wish each box had one of each type of product, otherwise I just get confused about which to use.

I haven't noticed any crazy difference in my skin.  Well, actually, my skin is awful right now, but that totally has to do with my crap eating for sure.  I haven't used any of the products religiously enough to notice a difference.  I'm not one of those girls with a regimen.  I'm working on it.  The problem is, I like to sleep.  I'm lucky if I manage makeup.  I read about people with their morning routines of yoga and mediation, or even just coffee and some quiet time to reflect on the day, one woman even said she takes BATHS in the morning!  Who has time for that?!  This morning, I managed to inhale some freezer burnt gluten free waffles, and take my black coffee to go!  I threw on some CC cream and concealer at my desk and hoped for the best!  But, maybe one day I'll have time for a skincare regimen after my leisurely coffee and meditation session.  Maybe all these new products will push me into it!  #agirlcandream

Current State

I feel like I need an intervention. I spent the end of 2013 on the Candida Cleanse; no sugar, dairy, grains and pork, among other things and by some crazy miracle, managed to become pregnant naturally after 6 failed rounds of IVF. Unfortunately, this didn't last and I had my second miscarriage at the end of April. Now it's July and I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I didn't really react too much to my second miscarriage, except to assure myself and everybody around me that I was not giving up, that this miscarriage was not going to break me, if anything I was even more ready to fight for a baby of my own! This worked for a few weeks, I did research, I got back on a bunch of supplements to raise my progesterone naturally since that seemed to be my issue with both miscarriages and then I just kind of flopped. I stopped taking the supplements, I stopped going to the gym (again) and I started to eat anything and everything in sight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost on the cleanse, my stomach problems are back full force and my skin is broken out worse than it has been in a very long time. Yay me!

 

I'm struggling with this idea that I should be able to balance the good and bad foods, the working out and the couch sitting but it seems to be a whole lot of all or nothing with me. Am I destined to either be on a strict diet for the rest of my life or have stomach problems, no baby and acne? The thing that gets me the most I think is the resentment I have for all of it. Why do I have to do this when other people who are clearly not healthy have babies all the time? And even better, why when I did all that I was supposed to and finally got pregnant on my own, was that baby taken from me too?

 

I'm trying to create a life where I manage my stress effectively, but the questions and resentments swirling in my head are not helping. On top of all this, I sort of hate my body and know I need to lose weight (more weight) but I guess the part of me that relentlessly believes I will be pregnant again soon wonders what the point of losing weight is, if I'm just going to gain it back when I'm pregnant? Let's be clear, I am not obese, I am just a little more plump in certain areas. I'm sure there are some ladies who would be totally fine with my size, but I am not. This is probably because I was underweight most of my life. Not so much anymore.  Of course, even back then I wasn't happy with my body.  Does that ever change?  I sure hope so.

 

I guess ultimately I'd like to be at peace with myself, like on a regular basis and for longer than 2 seconds.  At peace with my current state.  Mind, body and soul?  Yeah, that sounds good.

Miracle Workers

I've spoken recently about wanting to become more at one with my body with yoga and meditation.  Then even more recently, I had another miscarriage.  While the whole thing is very sad, the thing I keep coming back to is that I actually got pregnant NATURALLY for the first time ever!  This is a big deal.  My doctor even called it a miracle.  I'm thinking he's the friggin miracle!  He basically gave me a 3 month timeframe to get me pregnant and then made it happen!  I have been enduring failed fertility treatment after failed fertility treatment for almost four years and this guy comes into my life and puts me on a detox diet, some supplements and does some acupuncture and I get PREGNANT!  I was in disbelief leading up to the test.  Sure, I obviously hoped he could make it happen, but I hoped the same thing with three other fertility specialists who all swore from the beginning that getting me pregnant would be not hard at all and then failed OVER AND OVER.  And this guy was just quietly confident but still never promised anything except to get me healthy.  So, even though it didn't quite work out this time, it's like the fire inside of me has been relit!  I'll admit, I was starting to waver and I was about to take a real break, even started considering the idea of adoption and then I got pregnant!  I firmly believe now, that we have the ability to heal ourselves with diet, exercise, and meditation.  I also now think I know what my problems have been all these years.  Two problems; inflammation and low progesterone.  I was able to fix the inflammation with my diet (even fixed my stomach and skin issues) but since I didn't test very early because I was on vacation and also because I was having a hard time believing that it could be true, I didn't catch the low progesterone early enough.  But, I'm on a mission now!  I have been kind of ordered to relax for a few months by both my midwife and my holistic D.O. (i.e. miracle worker) and in that time I plan to go back on the detox, go back to the gym, de-stress (stress lowers progesterone) and try to raise my progesterone naturally with supplements and herbs (I also plan to resume my year of fun!).  Then, at the end of the summer I will go back to the doctor and get my progesterone checked to see if I am able to raise it naturally and go from there.
So in my new frame of mind I have gotten very interested in people who talk about balancing hormones and overcoming infertility naturally and today I happened upon a website linked in a Goop newsletter (it's been slow at work so I've been catching up on 500 cajillion emails) for Be Hive of Healing (the word "healing" got me to click) and found the video from Fertility Planit with Dr. Habib Sadeghi.  These people are saying exactly what I believe!  I've only had time to watch two videos, but I plan to go through the site more and hope I can learn even more to help align with my current situation.




I didn't really plan to talk about this miscarriage on here but I've never been one to hold things in and I feel like maybe if more people were honest about miscarriages women wouldn't feel so alone when they have them.  I definitely dealt with this one way better than the first one but that doesn't mean that I'm not heartbroken, I'm just not defeated.  Maybe my body just wasn't as healthy as it needs to be yet.  I will make this happen one day and when I do finally hold my healthy baby in my arms, it will be that much more of a gift!

Becoming More at One with my Body

My body has it's problems, but I know for sure it could be worse, so I am thankful for it!  Still, I feel as though I should be treating it better and also pushing it more.  I used to do yoga (jeez like 10 years ago now) and while I was pretty awful at it, I was getting better.  Until I stopped.  I regret it so much that I stopped.  I can only imagine how much better I'd be at it if I had stuck to it and I'm sure my body would better off.  I've been thinking about getting back into it even though I know I'll still be awful and it'll probably be painful.  I have space in a spare bedroom (it's really a craftroom/thirty one storage space) where I can set up a mat and my laptop to have videos guide me.  If I was rich, I'd hire a personal teacher to guide me, but yeah, I'm not rich. 

I also would like to get back into meditation.  I tried going to a meditation center a couple times, but it wasn't guided and I usually ended up falling asleep or crying.  Yeah.  I have it all together.  I stopped going 1. because it's near my old job and 2. it wasn't really helping anyway.  I'm sure some of you saw Unplug Meditation on Goop last week.  That's the type of place I need!  I wish there was one around here.  I'm sorta kinda planning to visit L.A. in August, maybe I'll add this to my list of places to go!

Found this on Pinterest

A girl can dream!

Cherry Blossoms in Washington, DC

My mom has been asking to go see the cherry blossoms in Washington, DC for like 3 years now.  And this year being the year I decided to DO stuff because the last few years have been about unsuccessfully trying to have a baby, I made the plans to go!  Me, my mom, my little brother and luckily even my husband drove down to DC last Saturday to spend the night and see some cherry blossoms!  The goal of the weekend was pretty loose, see some cherry blossoms and maybe some other stuff.  Ha.  We planned to try to go to a few museums and eat some good food.  My mom wanted to go to the Holocaust museum and I wanted to go to the Fireworks Festival by the water (the food truck rally sold me) and Union Market (more food and also a pop-up at Thread).  Union Market is a lot like Chelsea Market in NYC (I was jut there 2 weeks ago for the first time and it was awesome!).  On the ride down, my brother said he wanted to go to the zoo.  We attempted this once we arrived, but it was just too crowded and the parking lot was full.  It was probably the first nice day of the year and also cherry blossom season, so the city was pretty packed!  We almost didn't get into the Holocaust museum either, but turns out military can get tickets even when civilians are being turned away due to the place being full.  My brother is the National Guard, so he got tickets for us.  After that sad experience we walked down to the water to the Fireworks Festival.  I bought some cupcakes and chocolate chip cookie bark and my family marveled at how much money I spend on such things.  I like to support the small business, especially the small food business.  The lines for the food trucks were very long and my family wasn't into the options, so we decided to check out Philips seafood, which was next to the Festival and advertised a seafood buffet.  We waited IN LINE for 45 minutes and the food pretty much sucked!  I thought that place was known for its seafood.  Not a fan.  I also wasn't a fan of the very long walk back to our hotel.  Have I mentioned my feet hate me?  They hate walking too.

Sunday we went to brunch at Kramerbooks & Afterwords.  This place is basically my perfect hangout. My husband and I used to (before it shutdown) spend are Friday nights at Borders drinking coffee and reading magazines (we are probably the reason it closed) and Kramerbooks is a bookstore, cafe and bar!  And it's open 24hrs. on the weekends!!  I'd be there all the time if I lived nearby.  It's right at Dupont Circle and there's a Farmer's market across the street on Sundays.  Ideal.  After brunch we checked out of the hotel and made our way to the National Museum of Women in the Arts where I was lucky enough to see a Kiki Smith sculpture.  We ran out of there pretty quick because our parking situation was questionable.  Luckily, Union Market had a lot, so parking was no issue.  I loved this place, but I'd like to visit on a Tuesday morning, not a beautiful Sunday afternoon when everybody is there!  We only managed to get a coffee, everything else was really packed (and also expensive) and my family wasn't really into it.  I should maybe explain that my family is perfectly happy at a chain restaurant when I'd rather seek out the small, local places.  Food is important to me.  Very important to me.  I take it very seriously and quite frankly, I'm willing to pay more for it.  I don't like to pay a lot for clothes, I'm a lover of the clearance rack, but $9 for a handmade candy bar from Brooklyn?  I'll take it!  My family thinks I'm nuts (but they eat the things I buy for them, no problem) and my husband tries to tolerate me (and he also has no problem eating what I buy).  Just refer to my trip to NYC last weekend.  

We also checked out the popup at Thread.  Very fun, but most of the items were out of my price range. Like I said, I'm more of a clearance rack girl!

All in all, it was a super fun weekend and I plan to go back for at least a day trip this summer!  And now for a few photos...

Pretty walk to the White House

The White House

Treasury

Me and my brother (maybe not my best look)

Capitol Building

Washington Monument

Impromptu Trip to NYC

While looking for museums in DC with Kiki Smith exhibits, I found out she had one at Pace Gallery in NYC.  But, it was ending in two days.  So, I decided to take a day trip to NYC!  I only live 2 hrs. away and I'm lucky enough to not work on Fridays, so why not?  I couldn't find anyone else interested or able to go with me on a Friday, but I'm fine with doing things alone.

I took two trains and arrived around 1 to a rainy, cold city.  First, I went to Pace Gallery to see the exhibit. 

Train selfie

Kiki Smith

Then, I decided to check out Chelsea Market.  I had googled it prior and it sounded like just the place for me!  Yummy food all around!

Los Tacos Lunch!

High line right next to the market

After the market and relaxing on the High line, I found Blue Bottle Coffee and got a mocha to help warm me up!  It was still rainy and cold, Spring apparently hadn't gotten the memo yet.  Unfortunately, since it was so cold, I didn't get to try the New Orleans iced coffee that Blue Bottle is known for.  I totally plan to go back and try this summer though and I hear it'll be sold in Whole Foods soon!

Serious coffee art (is that a thing?) skills!

After the coffee, I had to use the restroom so I went back to the market and decided lobster roll lunch boxes would be perfect for me to take home for dinner!  I apparently had lost my mind, I don't know why I thought carrying those on two trains (the one from NYC to Trenton was PACKED) back home would be fun.  I came home with cookies from Sarabeth's (and a mug for my sister, Sarabeth), brownies from Fat Witch, The King from Liddabit Sweet, and lobster roll lunch boxes from The Lobster Place.  It might be the first time I didn't come home with cupcakes!  I couldn't walk the next day, but it was a great time and I'm glad I went!  Can't wait to go back when it's warmer.

Birthday 2014 Recap!

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday, yes this is crazy.  I feel 15, well sometimes I feel 80, but never 33.  It was a pretty perfect day.  It started with my friend taking me for a mani/pedi, Starbucks and shoe shopping (where I got Steve Madden boots for $25 with a clearance sale and coupons!), then I met my family (my mom, aunts, grandmom, cousin and her baby) for lunch, after that I went to dinner with my husband!  It was a pretty awesome day!

Birthday gift from my baby!

Nails and Starbucks with my friend (she spoiled me)!

Waiting for the train to Philly with my baby

My goofball and that yummy pizza with an egg on top!

Skirt steak

Sangria

Short Ribs

Selfie at the table (after two glasses of Sangria)

Train ride home

Bday cake from Coldstone!!

Also, I have a new blog design coming soon.  Just need to get it together enough for a new photo!  ;)

Doing This Detox

Update:

I wrote the below post a few months ago, when I first started the detox, but never hit publish.  Now, I am actually going off the detox, almost done adding everything back in.  I have lost some weight, pretty much gotten rid of me stomach issues (except when I eat too much bread/fried foods) and my skin cleared up a lot (though I recently added back in dairy a little and noticed my skin breaking out a bit).  I am still not pregnant, but my doctor has started treating me specifically for infertility with acupuncture now that he feels I'm much healthier.  I'll be honest, since a few months have gone by of me on this crazy detox and I'm still not pregnant, I have gotten a little discouraged, but I see the doctor again on Tuesday and I plan to get his honest opinion about what kind of time frame I need to put this in.  I'm not technically doing fertility treatments but I am still working towards pregnancy and really sort of revolving my life around it.  I don't know when/if that will ever stop, unless I have a baby.





Previous unpublished post:

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but I'm doing a doctor ordered detox.  I've been battling unexplained infertility (yes, it is a battle) for about 3.5 years and after 3 specialists, 5 IUIs, 6 IVFs and no success, I decided to try a different route.  I started seeing a D.O. (Osteopathic doctor) in October.  He's an actual medical doctor who also uses Chinese medicine a lot in his practice.  I just figured he'd treat me with acupuncture and that'd be all.  Boy, was I wrong!  My first visit with him was probably around 2 hours long.  He did an Autonomic Response Test (tests for things like Mercury poisoning, excess yeast and slew of other stuff), Neural Therapy (sticks Novicaine filled syringes into your scars to open your Meridians on the inside), Micro-Current Therapy (electro current) and Acupuncture.  During this visit he discovered that I have excess yeast in my system.  I always thought maybe this was an issue for me, but didn't know how to find out for sure.  Ever since I can remember my stomach always hurts and my chin breaks out.  Once a girl working at Sephora told me that her chin used to always break out and she found out it was because she had too much yeast in her body, so I started to wonder if that could be my problem too.  And since I've had such trouble getting pregnant/staying pregnant, I wonder if it could all be related?  I mean, essentially, too much yeast makes your body toxic and I can't imagine that would be a great environment for a baby.
So, the doctor tells me I too much yeast and FUNGUS in my body and the way I get rid of it is with a detox diet.  Ordinarily this diet takes about 17 weeks but since I've been on this journey for so long, he knows I'm in a hurry, so he told me he was going to add in some other things to speed it up to six weeks (hopefully).  Along with the no dairy, no grains, no sugar, no legumes, no processed food and no pork, I also have to do detox baths (1.5 cups epsom salt and 1.5 cups baking soda in water as hot as you can stand for 30 mins.) every night, and I'm taking these antifungal drops before meals, Magnesium Oxide, Vitamin D drops, and Borage Oil at night.  I'm also supposed to be Grounding every day for 20 mins., but I haven't been doing that.  I just don't have time to stand outside for 20 mins. and not to mention it's not exactly warm and sunny lately! 
I saw the doctor a week after I started the diet and not much had changed at that point, but they said it was normal.  I'll see him again next week and at that point I'll be 30 days into it!  I'm really hoping the yeast has cleared up

Filling my 2014 Life Planner with an Amazing Year

I decided on this Erin Condren Life Planner...

I really wanted the Gold Series, but couldn't bring myself to spend the money, so I went with a similar look with a smaller price tag.  

When I got the planner (which is super cute btw), I told myself I was going to fill it with an amazing year.  I have spent the last few years with my life revolving around getting pregnant and after 3.5 years and 6 failed IVFs, among other things, I'm over it.  It's time to live my life.  So, it has been my mission to start planning fun stuff for the year.  I bought tickets to see Fall Out Boy and Paramore with my husband and siblings in June (Pit tickets like I think I'm 22 again!),  I'm planning a game night with my cousins, a trip to see my in-laws in Florida, a trip to Boston to visit a friend, movie dates (with my husband and girlfriends), Yankees tickets for my stepdad's bday, and that's just my ideas so far!  Trying to have a baby, when it's not working, is very tiring.  I'm excited about my year of fun ahead!  Hopefully, we'll even get out of the country at least once.  Either way, I know it's going to be an amazing year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm back and plan to stay!

It's been a bit since I've posted and few things have changed since last we spoke.  I got two new jobs and got rid of the old one!  If you know me in "real life" then you know I really was not happy at my job.  I started off telling myself it was temporary, but it turned into 7 years!  First, it was, "we're buying a house", then it was "we're getting married" and finally "we're trying to have a baby and it's not working, so I need the insurance".  Well, I came to the end of my sixth failed IVF and decided it was time to move on!  And I have to say that even though it was a scary move, it was such a sense of relief!  I feared getting stuck there forever.  Don't get me wrong, the people were great but the job was not challenging and in no way what I saw myself doing as a career.  So, I decided to take a new position that was closer to the idea I have in my head for what I want to be doing.  It's not something I see myself doing forever, but it's the perfect job for right now.  The hours are flexible, the pay is better and the job itself is something I don't mind writing down when asked on questionnaires for my "occupation". 
Around the same time that I decided to change my full-time job, I also decided to join my friend in a direct sales position selling Thirty-one purses.  I haven't been doing it too long, but so far, so good!  I decided to do it after my friend told me how good she thought I'd be at it, live on a regular basis for months!  Haha.  I was leary because I'm not really a fan of speaking in front of groups but in the end I decided that was why I should do it!  So, my goals with this is to become a better public speaker and of course make some money.  They have a leadership coming up next September and I'd love to earn that for me and my husband!  I'm sure I'll post more on Thirty-one later.
With my new job, I work 4-10 hour days and I'm off Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  I told myself I'd take that extra time on Friday to work on other projects.  A big one is this blog!  I've been neglecting it and let's be honest, never really got it to where I wanted it before.  So, in the coming months, there will be some changes to layout and a serious increase in content.  I'm excited to see where I can take it!  I hope any readers I have now will come back and bring friends!  See you soon!

Post vacation let down

We spent the last week at Blue Bay Grand Esmerelda in Riviera Maya and now we're back and bummed.  We came back to a heat wave and broken AC, which has made us rather irritable.  Plus, I think we had so much expectation of this vacation and then even thought afterwards we'd feel better, but now that we're back we realize it's just the same shit we left behind.  Tomorrow it's back to work and back to real life.  I have to go get a blood test redone because when I got it done before I left the lab screwed up and the blood wasn't viable.  So, it's right back into the baby making bullshit!  I'm hoping this test will give me some real answers so I can move the fuck on!  Maybe it seems like I don't really want a baby if I'm ready to throw in the towel, but I can't have my entire life revolve around this one thing that is NOT WORKING!  We've been trying for almost 3 years now, I'm ready to concentrate on something else!  It's time to get back to thinking about the rest of my life and what I want from it.  

1.  I want a CAREER.  Something I can say with pride when people ask me what I do for a living.

2.  I want to wear a bathing suit at any moment and not have to worry about my stomach or ass.

3.  I want to have things to talk about with my husband other than fertility treatments or bills.

4.  I want to have people over whenever and not worry about whether my house is a mess.

5.  I want my house to actually look like we live in it, not like we just moved in.  (We've lived here 7 years and I've hung 3 pictures in the living room)  yeah.  

I feel like this is a good list to concentrate on.  On one positive note, I decided to stop biting my nails so they'd be nice for vacation and I've actually managed to stick with it!  They're not super long, but they are longer than they have ever been.  I got a gel manicure before we left and I'm obsessed now!  I want to go back soon and get another one with designs.  Haha.  See...prettyyyy.

In a better place

It's been a few weeks since my 3rd IVF negative and I'm feeling a little better about it.  We are trying Letrozole this month because I couldn't do another IVF until after Christmas.  It's way less invasive!  Just 5 days of pills and then normal baby making activities with an IUI thrown in for good measure!  I go tomorrow for an ultrasound to see when my IUI will be.  This method is definitely more relaxed and stress free, which is nice because all this stuff has been taking a toll!  I have been actively TTC since July '10 and for the last year, have been doing full on fertility treatments one after the other!  It's getting a bit tiring.  If this IUI doesn't work, I've decided to do one more IVF and then I'm done for awhile.  It's time to get back to living my life.
I've been working out again, which I'm sure helps put me in a better mood.  I even managed to get up and go to the gym this morning before work!  Now, if only I could do that everyday!  I started taking digestive enzymes and trace minerals to help with my ongoing stomach issues and even started limiting my gluten/wheat intake.  I just started the enzymes and minerals yesterday and was not feeling a difference and then today, I went most of the day without stomach pains!  Seriously, this is amazing!  I have had stomach pains for as long as I can remember.  I am so hopeful that I finally found something to help!  And apparently the trace minerals are supposed to give you more energy so maybe that's why I was able to get up and go to the gym this morning?  I'll take it!
Despite being more and more jaded, I am still holding out for a Christmas miracle though!  Who knows, it could happen.

Xmas List

Here's the Christmas List I sent to my husband.  I doubt he'll get any of these things but, 1. He can't say I didn't give him ideas and 2. It's fun to make!

Three Year Anniversary!

Today marks 3 years married to my cutie husband!  Tonight we went out for a delicious italian dinner in a town nearby.  And now we're watching the debate.  Romantic.  Here are a few photos of our amazing wedding day by our lovely photographer Alyssa Maloof!

I'm back!

Ok, so it's been awhile.  I've been busy thinking about blogging but not actually doing it, kinda the story of my life.  Let's see, what's new with me?

1.  I'm still not pregnant.  But, I'm preparing for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the end of this month.  I've been on Lupron shots for a few weeks and I just started Estrace and Estrogen patches today!  (I should be a barrel of fun these next few weeks!)  Transfer should be at the end of the month.  I'm also going to try acupuncture this time around.  My first appointment is in about a week.  And I'm going to try meditation as well.  I'm really trying to CALM myself down and think positively.  I'm hoping this works because if not I'll be doing another retrieval and that was NOT FUN.  I'd prefer to never have to do that again!

2.  I'm back at the gym!  Since I'm doing a FET and not a retrieval with stimulants I can still workout like normal.  I started Jamie Eason's 30 day workout from Fitness RX at the beginning of the week.  It was a great week!  I'm lifting heavy and I'm planning to keep lifting heavy until someone tells me I can't anymore.  I've also started tracking my food and I'm just generally trying to get back in shape and build some muscles.

3.  My little brother left for Army National Guard boot camp at the beginning of August.  I'm not happy about it, but respect his decision and I'm proud of him for not being afraid to do what he wants to do!  I still miss him though.  And it'd be nice if his Commander would update the FB page with some photos!  Ha.

4.  I'm toying with the idea of setting a goal to become a fitness model.  It sounds ridiculous just typing it here!  I just think even having that kind of goal would really help with my gym effort/eating.  Believe me, I am in no shape to be a fitness model!  But, I know that if I set the goal and got SERIOUS about my fitness and especially my food, I could be in an entirely different place in 6 months.  Plus, fitness modeling doesn't require you to be 17 or 6', two things I am not!  I think I'll keep the goal in the back of my head and see how the next month goes.  Let's see how much fat I can burn and muscle I can build in 30 days.

On that note, I think it's time to do some cardio.

I need a new scale...

But instead I bought a Nutribullet.  I've been wanting a new blender for quite awhile (I haven't had one for at least a year and the immersion blender my mom bought me for Christmas, isn't so great with frozen fruit) and I just happen to see an infomercial for the Nutribullet and they sold me.  Well kinda.  They sold me on the product but not really on the price so instead I bought it from Bed, Bath and Beyond where it was $20 less plus a 20% coupon and a $50 gift card I got for my wedding shower like three years ago!

I haven't tried it yet (I will tomorrow morning), but I'm pretty excited to use it!  Apparently, it even grinds nuts!  I'm hoping it'll be a budget friendly replacement for the Vitamix I can't afford.

So, it's been awhile since I posted.  Just sort of taking a break.  Recovering from the disappointment of my first failed IVF cycle.  I took a few weeks to just relax and now I'm getting back into the gym trying to lose some of the weight I gained from the hormones and lack of gym from the last 4.5 months.  I did really well this week, even got in a few two a days.  This week the plan is cardio in the morning before work then weights and maybe more cardio at night.  I'm very motivated to lose this extra weight by mid-September.  My next transfer will be around then and I want to be rid of this weight in case the transfer actually works.  I want to be as healthy as possible which is why I invested in the Nutribullet, drinking my spinach in the morning's gotta do something!  Ha.

Life On Hold

I feel like my life is on hold right now.  My whole life basically revolves around trying to have a baby right now, between the shots and the blood work and the ultrasounds every other day and then the waiting to see if it worked and then when it doesn't work waiting to try it all again.  I was thinking tonight about going on a vacation with my husband.  It's been a couple of years since we had a real vacation together (frankly, Knoebels doesn't count and actually was only something I started because I thought we'd have a baby by now).  I want to go to Mexico or Greece, anywhere that requires a bathing suit and a passport.  But, I can't plan vacation when I have to be at the doctor so often and so I wait until I am pregnant, but at this rate, who knows when or even if that is going to happen?!  I could take a break from trying to get pregnant for a little while, but I feel like that would be bad idea since I have the insurance right now and there's no guarantee I'll have my current job forever.  I would not be a happy camper if I didn't take advantage of my current insurance and then lost the opportunity!  So instead, I'll keep going.  I'll put the rest of my life on hold, (I can't even go to the gym!), and move on to the next step of IVF.  I'm not happy about it, but I am grateful that at least I have insurance that covers it.  And maybe I can go on vacation next summer!

What to Expect When You're Expecting...the movie

I'm a girl who likes to go to the movies.  There are some periods of time where my husband and I go every week.  We live about 5 minutes from a theater that only charges $5.50 (used to be $5) for the first showing of any movie so we roll out of bed on Sundays and go to the movies.  We can actually leave when it's supposed to be starting and get there in time for previews!  My mom likes to say I see movies based on who is acting in them not necessarily what they are about.  This might be true.  Either way, I see a lot of movies.
One movie I want to see is "What to Expect When You're Expecting", but I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure if it's a good idea.  If I weren't trying to get pregnant (for so long), I'd see it no problem or if I was already pregnant, I'd see it of course.  But, since I'm not pregnant (that I know of yet) I might end up spending the whole movie crying.  And let's be honest, I've been doing enough of that lately with all the hormones.
It does look like a good movie though, I like the ensemble casts in a movie ala "New Year's Eve" and "Valentine's Day".  I saw a preview for it the other day and Elizabeth Banks' character's phone was going off because she was ovulating and she jumped on her husband.  I can definitely relate to being hyper aware of things like ovulation (and using phone apps to track it)!  I also like the scene where Brooklyn Decker's character sneezes and out pops her baby!  Ha, a girl can dream!

                                                                  In theaters May 18!