Current State

I feel like I need an intervention. I spent the end of 2013 on the Candida Cleanse; no sugar, dairy, grains and pork, among other things and by some crazy miracle, managed to become pregnant naturally after 6 failed rounds of IVF. Unfortunately, this didn't last and I had my second miscarriage at the end of April. Now it's July and I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I didn't really react too much to my second miscarriage, except to assure myself and everybody around me that I was not giving up, that this miscarriage was not going to break me, if anything I was even more ready to fight for a baby of my own! This worked for a few weeks, I did research, I got back on a bunch of supplements to raise my progesterone naturally since that seemed to be my issue with both miscarriages and then I just kind of flopped. I stopped taking the supplements, I stopped going to the gym (again) and I started to eat anything and everything in sight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost on the cleanse, my stomach problems are back full force and my skin is broken out worse than it has been in a very long time. Yay me!

 

I'm struggling with this idea that I should be able to balance the good and bad foods, the working out and the couch sitting but it seems to be a whole lot of all or nothing with me. Am I destined to either be on a strict diet for the rest of my life or have stomach problems, no baby and acne? The thing that gets me the most I think is the resentment I have for all of it. Why do I have to do this when other people who are clearly not healthy have babies all the time? And even better, why when I did all that I was supposed to and finally got pregnant on my own, was that baby taken from me too?

 

I'm trying to create a life where I manage my stress effectively, but the questions and resentments swirling in my head are not helping. On top of all this, I sort of hate my body and know I need to lose weight (more weight) but I guess the part of me that relentlessly believes I will be pregnant again soon wonders what the point of losing weight is, if I'm just going to gain it back when I'm pregnant? Let's be clear, I am not obese, I am just a little more plump in certain areas. I'm sure there are some ladies who would be totally fine with my size, but I am not. This is probably because I was underweight most of my life. Not so much anymore.  Of course, even back then I wasn't happy with my body.  Does that ever change?  I sure hope so.

 

I guess ultimately I'd like to be at peace with myself, like on a regular basis and for longer than 2 seconds.  At peace with my current state.  Mind, body and soul?  Yeah, that sounds good.

Miracle Workers

I've spoken recently about wanting to become more at one with my body with yoga and meditation.  Then even more recently, I had another miscarriage.  While the whole thing is very sad, the thing I keep coming back to is that I actually got pregnant NATURALLY for the first time ever!  This is a big deal.  My doctor even called it a miracle.  I'm thinking he's the friggin miracle!  He basically gave me a 3 month timeframe to get me pregnant and then made it happen!  I have been enduring failed fertility treatment after failed fertility treatment for almost four years and this guy comes into my life and puts me on a detox diet, some supplements and does some acupuncture and I get PREGNANT!  I was in disbelief leading up to the test.  Sure, I obviously hoped he could make it happen, but I hoped the same thing with three other fertility specialists who all swore from the beginning that getting me pregnant would be not hard at all and then failed OVER AND OVER.  And this guy was just quietly confident but still never promised anything except to get me healthy.  So, even though it didn't quite work out this time, it's like the fire inside of me has been relit!  I'll admit, I was starting to waver and I was about to take a real break, even started considering the idea of adoption and then I got pregnant!  I firmly believe now, that we have the ability to heal ourselves with diet, exercise, and meditation.  I also now think I know what my problems have been all these years.  Two problems; inflammation and low progesterone.  I was able to fix the inflammation with my diet (even fixed my stomach and skin issues) but since I didn't test very early because I was on vacation and also because I was having a hard time believing that it could be true, I didn't catch the low progesterone early enough.  But, I'm on a mission now!  I have been kind of ordered to relax for a few months by both my midwife and my holistic D.O. (i.e. miracle worker) and in that time I plan to go back on the detox, go back to the gym, de-stress (stress lowers progesterone) and try to raise my progesterone naturally with supplements and herbs (I also plan to resume my year of fun!).  Then, at the end of the summer I will go back to the doctor and get my progesterone checked to see if I am able to raise it naturally and go from there.
So in my new frame of mind I have gotten very interested in people who talk about balancing hormones and overcoming infertility naturally and today I happened upon a website linked in a Goop newsletter (it's been slow at work so I've been catching up on 500 cajillion emails) for Be Hive of Healing (the word "healing" got me to click) and found the video from Fertility Planit with Dr. Habib Sadeghi.  These people are saying exactly what I believe!  I've only had time to watch two videos, but I plan to go through the site more and hope I can learn even more to help align with my current situation.




I didn't really plan to talk about this miscarriage on here but I've never been one to hold things in and I feel like maybe if more people were honest about miscarriages women wouldn't feel so alone when they have them.  I definitely dealt with this one way better than the first one but that doesn't mean that I'm not heartbroken, I'm just not defeated.  Maybe my body just wasn't as healthy as it needs to be yet.  I will make this happen one day and when I do finally hold my healthy baby in my arms, it will be that much more of a gift!

Doing This Detox

Update:

I wrote the below post a few months ago, when I first started the detox, but never hit publish.  Now, I am actually going off the detox, almost done adding everything back in.  I have lost some weight, pretty much gotten rid of me stomach issues (except when I eat too much bread/fried foods) and my skin cleared up a lot (though I recently added back in dairy a little and noticed my skin breaking out a bit).  I am still not pregnant, but my doctor has started treating me specifically for infertility with acupuncture now that he feels I'm much healthier.  I'll be honest, since a few months have gone by of me on this crazy detox and I'm still not pregnant, I have gotten a little discouraged, but I see the doctor again on Tuesday and I plan to get his honest opinion about what kind of time frame I need to put this in.  I'm not technically doing fertility treatments but I am still working towards pregnancy and really sort of revolving my life around it.  I don't know when/if that will ever stop, unless I have a baby.





Previous unpublished post:

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but I'm doing a doctor ordered detox.  I've been battling unexplained infertility (yes, it is a battle) for about 3.5 years and after 3 specialists, 5 IUIs, 6 IVFs and no success, I decided to try a different route.  I started seeing a D.O. (Osteopathic doctor) in October.  He's an actual medical doctor who also uses Chinese medicine a lot in his practice.  I just figured he'd treat me with acupuncture and that'd be all.  Boy, was I wrong!  My first visit with him was probably around 2 hours long.  He did an Autonomic Response Test (tests for things like Mercury poisoning, excess yeast and slew of other stuff), Neural Therapy (sticks Novicaine filled syringes into your scars to open your Meridians on the inside), Micro-Current Therapy (electro current) and Acupuncture.  During this visit he discovered that I have excess yeast in my system.  I always thought maybe this was an issue for me, but didn't know how to find out for sure.  Ever since I can remember my stomach always hurts and my chin breaks out.  Once a girl working at Sephora told me that her chin used to always break out and she found out it was because she had too much yeast in her body, so I started to wonder if that could be my problem too.  And since I've had such trouble getting pregnant/staying pregnant, I wonder if it could all be related?  I mean, essentially, too much yeast makes your body toxic and I can't imagine that would be a great environment for a baby.
So, the doctor tells me I too much yeast and FUNGUS in my body and the way I get rid of it is with a detox diet.  Ordinarily this diet takes about 17 weeks but since I've been on this journey for so long, he knows I'm in a hurry, so he told me he was going to add in some other things to speed it up to six weeks (hopefully).  Along with the no dairy, no grains, no sugar, no legumes, no processed food and no pork, I also have to do detox baths (1.5 cups epsom salt and 1.5 cups baking soda in water as hot as you can stand for 30 mins.) every night, and I'm taking these antifungal drops before meals, Magnesium Oxide, Vitamin D drops, and Borage Oil at night.  I'm also supposed to be Grounding every day for 20 mins., but I haven't been doing that.  I just don't have time to stand outside for 20 mins. and not to mention it's not exactly warm and sunny lately! 
I saw the doctor a week after I started the diet and not much had changed at that point, but they said it was normal.  I'll see him again next week and at that point I'll be 30 days into it!  I'm really hoping the yeast has cleared up

Jimmy Fallon just got more lovable!

I love Jimmy Fallon.  I watch his show on Hulu Plus (we don't have cable) with my husband.  The thing that I love about him is that he always seems to be having so much FUN!  The way he plays games with his guests and makes up songs and skits, he just seems to really enjoy his job.  True, he has a pretty sweet job, but I don't know, something about him makes it seem different to me.  He just seems real.  So, when he came out talking about infertility on the Today show earlier today, I just decided I love him even more!  He could have easily kept quiet about the whole thing, but he chose to speak out and share his own experience and also give other people suffering from infertility hope!

Post vacation let down

We spent the last week at Blue Bay Grand Esmerelda in Riviera Maya and now we're back and bummed.  We came back to a heat wave and broken AC, which has made us rather irritable.  Plus, I think we had so much expectation of this vacation and then even thought afterwards we'd feel better, but now that we're back we realize it's just the same shit we left behind.  Tomorrow it's back to work and back to real life.  I have to go get a blood test redone because when I got it done before I left the lab screwed up and the blood wasn't viable.  So, it's right back into the baby making bullshit!  I'm hoping this test will give me some real answers so I can move the fuck on!  Maybe it seems like I don't really want a baby if I'm ready to throw in the towel, but I can't have my entire life revolve around this one thing that is NOT WORKING!  We've been trying for almost 3 years now, I'm ready to concentrate on something else!  It's time to get back to thinking about the rest of my life and what I want from it.  

1.  I want a CAREER.  Something I can say with pride when people ask me what I do for a living.

2.  I want to wear a bathing suit at any moment and not have to worry about my stomach or ass.

3.  I want to have things to talk about with my husband other than fertility treatments or bills.

4.  I want to have people over whenever and not worry about whether my house is a mess.

5.  I want my house to actually look like we live in it, not like we just moved in.  (We've lived here 7 years and I've hung 3 pictures in the living room)  yeah.  

I feel like this is a good list to concentrate on.  On one positive note, I decided to stop biting my nails so they'd be nice for vacation and I've actually managed to stick with it!  They're not super long, but they are longer than they have ever been.  I got a gel manicure before we left and I'm obsessed now!  I want to go back soon and get another one with designs.  Haha.  See...prettyyyy.

In a better place

It's been a few weeks since my 3rd IVF negative and I'm feeling a little better about it.  We are trying Letrozole this month because I couldn't do another IVF until after Christmas.  It's way less invasive!  Just 5 days of pills and then normal baby making activities with an IUI thrown in for good measure!  I go tomorrow for an ultrasound to see when my IUI will be.  This method is definitely more relaxed and stress free, which is nice because all this stuff has been taking a toll!  I have been actively TTC since July '10 and for the last year, have been doing full on fertility treatments one after the other!  It's getting a bit tiring.  If this IUI doesn't work, I've decided to do one more IVF and then I'm done for awhile.  It's time to get back to living my life.
I've been working out again, which I'm sure helps put me in a better mood.  I even managed to get up and go to the gym this morning before work!  Now, if only I could do that everyday!  I started taking digestive enzymes and trace minerals to help with my ongoing stomach issues and even started limiting my gluten/wheat intake.  I just started the enzymes and minerals yesterday and was not feeling a difference and then today, I went most of the day without stomach pains!  Seriously, this is amazing!  I have had stomach pains for as long as I can remember.  I am so hopeful that I finally found something to help!  And apparently the trace minerals are supposed to give you more energy so maybe that's why I was able to get up and go to the gym this morning?  I'll take it!
Despite being more and more jaded, I am still holding out for a Christmas miracle though!  Who knows, it could happen.

Bad Place

I just got the results from my third IVF cycle yesterday, yet another NEGATIVE!  I really am not in the best place right now.  I have no idea how it can be so hard for some people and so easy for others and quite frankly, I'm pissed about it!  This IVF cycle was with a new doctor and I really thought he could make it happen!  He retrieved 12 eggs, 10 fertilized (which he said was really impressive), 9 kept growing and somehow I ended up with 2 "excellent blastocysts" on Day 5.  Sadly, none of the others were good enough to freeze, but I was still hopeful those 2 "excellent blastocysts" would do the trick!  I was told there was a 50% chance that they would result in one or 2 full term pregnancies and that that was about as good as it got!  Nine days of Crinone, Estradiol, Estrogen patches and Progesterone shots later and I get a voicemail telling me I'm not pregnant and I can stop all my meds!  Again.  Honestly, I'm not sure how many more times I can go through this.  It's trying on so many levels, emotional, physical, mental.  Every month, I do all that is asked of me by the doctors and the nurses, I try to maintain a positive mind set which ultimately leads to me believing it worked and then being let down.  AGAIN.  How much is enough?  How many times do I keep doing the same thing over and over before I realize it's not going to work?
I started this year at a fertility specialist, feeling like this was going to be my year.  And now, this year is almost over and I am at exactly the same place I was when it started only with less money and less hope.  I think I'll finish the year with one more IVF and then I'm done.  If it doesn't work, I gave it my best shot.  I gave it all I had.

Just a quick check in

I've been super busy with work and baby making fun, but I just wanted to check in!  I just went through my second fresh egg retrieval.  Twelve eggs, 10 fertilized, now I just wait to see how strong they grow!  Hoping the third time's the charm!  I love my new doctor and I'm really impressed with the fact that he had me on less meds., but managed to get me more eggs and not overstimulated!  Pretty much love this guy!  A July baby sounds pretty good to me right about now.  I guess we shall see.

Round three?

Transfer two was a FAIL!  I got that lovely phone call today.  They tricked me because they called me super early so I thought it was good news finally.  Nope.  I cried.  Then I got pissed.  And now I have two appointments with two new fertility doctors.  Plus, I'll be making an appointment for an osteopathic fertility specialist tomorrow!  I feel like 10 months of my time and tears is enough.  Time to see my other options!  Two of the doctors are local and one is in NYC.  I read about Dr. Braverman on A Blog About Love about a month ago.  Of course, I really thought this last transfer would work and i wouldn't need this info. buuuttt, I was wrong!  I requested a consult via his website this morning and he called me this afternoon!  I mean, the doctor HIMSELF called me this afternoon!  Not only was it a quick response but it was the actual doctor!  I think my doctors have called me MAYBE twice in the last 10 months!  Unfortunately, NYC is a bit away and I'm not even sure if they accept my insurance but I'll just see what happens.  Right now I have an appointment with one of the local doctors Wednesday (thanks to whoever cancelled!) and an appointment with Dr. Braverman on October 30.  I'm trying to stay calm and take things as they come.  If I see the local doctor Wednesday and I like what he has to say and he wants to start me on an IVF cycle right away, I'll probably go for it.  If not, I'll keep my appointment at the end of the month and look into other doctors as well.  Don't want to waste any time!
In the meantime, it's back to the gym tomorrow (I took time off after the transfer to relax and hope for some good news) and some concentration on other things!  Like visiting my brother in Oklahoma in a few weeks!

I'm back!

Ok, so it's been awhile.  I've been busy thinking about blogging but not actually doing it, kinda the story of my life.  Let's see, what's new with me?

1.  I'm still not pregnant.  But, I'm preparing for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) at the end of this month.  I've been on Lupron shots for a few weeks and I just started Estrace and Estrogen patches today!  (I should be a barrel of fun these next few weeks!)  Transfer should be at the end of the month.  I'm also going to try acupuncture this time around.  My first appointment is in about a week.  And I'm going to try meditation as well.  I'm really trying to CALM myself down and think positively.  I'm hoping this works because if not I'll be doing another retrieval and that was NOT FUN.  I'd prefer to never have to do that again!

2.  I'm back at the gym!  Since I'm doing a FET and not a retrieval with stimulants I can still workout like normal.  I started Jamie Eason's 30 day workout from Fitness RX at the beginning of the week.  It was a great week!  I'm lifting heavy and I'm planning to keep lifting heavy until someone tells me I can't anymore.  I've also started tracking my food and I'm just generally trying to get back in shape and build some muscles.

3.  My little brother left for Army National Guard boot camp at the beginning of August.  I'm not happy about it, but respect his decision and I'm proud of him for not being afraid to do what he wants to do!  I still miss him though.  And it'd be nice if his Commander would update the FB page with some photos!  Ha.

4.  I'm toying with the idea of setting a goal to become a fitness model.  It sounds ridiculous just typing it here!  I just think even having that kind of goal would really help with my gym effort/eating.  Believe me, I am in no shape to be a fitness model!  But, I know that if I set the goal and got SERIOUS about my fitness and especially my food, I could be in an entirely different place in 6 months.  Plus, fitness modeling doesn't require you to be 17 or 6', two things I am not!  I think I'll keep the goal in the back of my head and see how the next month goes.  Let's see how much fat I can burn and muscle I can build in 30 days.

On that note, I think it's time to do some cardio.

I need a new scale...

But instead I bought a Nutribullet.  I've been wanting a new blender for quite awhile (I haven't had one for at least a year and the immersion blender my mom bought me for Christmas, isn't so great with frozen fruit) and I just happen to see an infomercial for the Nutribullet and they sold me.  Well kinda.  They sold me on the product but not really on the price so instead I bought it from Bed, Bath and Beyond where it was $20 less plus a 20% coupon and a $50 gift card I got for my wedding shower like three years ago!

I haven't tried it yet (I will tomorrow morning), but I'm pretty excited to use it!  Apparently, it even grinds nuts!  I'm hoping it'll be a budget friendly replacement for the Vitamix I can't afford.

So, it's been awhile since I posted.  Just sort of taking a break.  Recovering from the disappointment of my first failed IVF cycle.  I took a few weeks to just relax and now I'm getting back into the gym trying to lose some of the weight I gained from the hormones and lack of gym from the last 4.5 months.  I did really well this week, even got in a few two a days.  This week the plan is cardio in the morning before work then weights and maybe more cardio at night.  I'm very motivated to lose this extra weight by mid-September.  My next transfer will be around then and I want to be rid of this weight in case the transfer actually works.  I want to be as healthy as possible which is why I invested in the Nutribullet, drinking my spinach in the morning's gotta do something!  Ha.

War

I spent last week on my couch.  When the doctors said I'd just feel a little cramping after my IVF egg retrieval, they lied.  Let's start from the beginning.  Last Saturday, I had my final doctor appointment before trigger shots and then retrieval scheduled for Monday.  Around 10 am, they called to tell me my estrogen was high and I might be at risk for over stimulation, so they called in a prescription for me to help and told me not to worry.  About an hour later I was vomiting.  I called the doctor to tell them and I was told I had two choices.  I could go ahead with the retrieval as planned but I'd have to freeze the embryos and do the transfer in a month or two.  This was not something I wanted to do, especially since the office is closed for "quality control" in July and I have a vacation planned for August which would put me at September for the transfer.  Not cool.  My other option was to hold off a night on the trigger, see the doctor in the morning (on a Sunday) and see if my estrogen came down at all to do a retrieval on Tuesday and hopefully transfer a few days later.  I chose this option and hung up with the doctor.  She called me back 5 minutes later to tell me she called me in a prescription for the nausea and that she did not recommend option 2 (why give it to me then?!) for fear that my eggs will start to die off from coasting (no more hormones to keep them growing) and I'll lose the whole cycle.  I was pretty bummed, but I'd rather at least have something to freeze than nothing at all.  And I was still hopeful that it could all work out and I'd still be able to transfer.  Technically, there'd be almost a week between retrieval and transfer for me to get better, right?

Monday, I went in for the retrieval.  Got there and they set me up with an IV in my wrist (first time for that spot!) for the anesthesia.  Maybe 15 minutes later I was in the procedure room and was being told to let them know when I was feeling the good stuff, next thing I know I was being told it was over and to move over to a gurney.  I was rolled into recovery and eventually met by my husband.  I must have been falling in and out of sleep though because it felt like I was only in there 15 minutes before they said it was okay for me to leave but my husband says I was in there for over an hour.  I got up from the bed and immediately felt nauseous and started sweating.  Luckily, it didn't last long though and I didn't puke on the floor.  We went home and I dozed in and out on the way.

My wrist IV

Once home, I settled in on the couch and fell back to sleep.  I was in a lot of pain, but I was sure it would pass soon.  I was wrong.  I could not stand up without help, I could barely walk to the bathroom.  It was awful.  I barely slept at night.  There was just no way to get comfortable and the Tylenol I was allowed to take for pain was not cutting it.

I planned to work from home Tuesday and get back to work Wednesday.  That didn't happen.  I couldn't work from home on Tuesday, balancing a laptop on my lap or bending forward to use it on a table was just not an option.  I did work from home Wednesday and Thursday and started to finally feel a little better Thursday night.  I'm not kidding when I say it felt like someone sliced every one of my stomach muscles and broke my ribs.  And I've been through 2 kidney stones, 2 ruptured cysts, various leg and foot surgeries, this pain was serious!

Throughout the week, I got calls each day from the embryologist updating me on my 10 eggs.  I started with 26 follicles, ended up with 10 eggs (some of the follicles were empty and some were actually cysts), 9 eggs fertilized.  All 9 split twice and then 2 took the lead and the other 7 started to lag behind.  I got the call Thursday saying my transfer would be the next day (yay, no waiting!).  I drank my 18 oz. of water prior and went in ready to go.  Only, I apparently didn't drink enough so they made me drink more water and said they 'd be back in 20 minutes.  About an hour later they returned and I felt like I was going to burst!  The transfer is not painful just uncomfortable because your bladder is so full and they are all up in there with a clamp and a syringe and the they're using the ultrasound thing on your full stomach.  It was pretty cool watching them release the embryos (we transferred 2) on the monitor.

All my boys keeping me company on the couch (and the laundry)

Wiley peeking at me from behind my pillow

So, now we wait.  We transferred 2 embryos and ended up with 4 good enough to freeze.  We are very hopeful that we'll have some good news very soon!  I feel like these last 2 years have been a war and I'm ready for some good things!

My friend's five year old daughter started talking to me about the baby in my belly on Monday, I was totally caught off guard.  And then a few more times that evening she would say something about me being pregnant.  They say kids know these things, so we'll see!  The funny part was, when I asked her if I was having a boy or girl she responded with, "I don't know!"  Like it was the craziest thing I ever asked her.  Ha.  I guess she doesn't know everything!  But let's hope she's right about one thing!

IVF in the works.

I suppose it's unusual for me to talk about my infertility issues, but I'm kind of to the point where I just don't care anymore.  It's a huge part of my life right now, a way bigger part than I'd like it to be.  One miscarriage, 4 rounds of Clomid, 3 IUIs and now onto IVF (In-vitro Fertilization), this is not how I expected my road to a baby to go.  But, I'd be lying if I said my life has ever been easy.  So, fine, we'll do it the hard way.
I had my "next step consult" a few weeks ago.  I made the appointment a few weeks prior when I still wasn't sure I'd need it (if the third IUI worked, I wouldn't) because I didn't want to waste any time or be told I'd have to skip a cycle due to everything being so time sensitive.  It ended up that my appointment landed on Day 1 of my cycle (TMI, maybe? ha) and I was very eager to get the process started.  I was not happy when the doctor told me I wouldn't be able to start this cycle.  The next day I decided to contact another doctor, if I had a month to wait, I may as well look into my options.  Especially because I hadn't been too happy with my experience so far.  The doctors are okay, but some of the staff leaves something to be desired and there have been a few times where I've felt like they don't really care about me or my quest to get pregnant.  The staff can lack compassion sometimes which is odd considering what the subject matter is.  A bunch of women trying to have babies unsuccessfully for at least a year, usually filled with hormones!  They need a little love!
I called and made an appointment with another doctor and then requested my files from my doctor.  Funny how the next day I got a call saying I'd be starting IVF this cycle!  I've been on birth control since last Saturday, that will be over Jan. 2 and then I'll start on shots.  I'll go in for surgery to retrieve all my eggs (hopefully there will be a lot) mid to late June.  And then we'll see what happens!
I went in for my second meeting on IVF last Wednesday.  I went a lone because my husband had to work.  I didn' think it would be a big deal.  I was wrong.  Midway through the meeting I was asked how I'd feel about terminating a pregnancy if say we transferred 3 embryos (this is unlikely because multiples freak me out slightly) and I ended up pregnant with triplets but one wasn't doing well.  Would I be okay, at 11 weeks with terminating the one that wasn't doing well?    I was not expecting this question.  NOT AT ALL.  And between the stress, the hormones, and the heavy subject matter of the question, I lost it.  I got hysterical in the doctor's office.  Total mess.  Eleven weeks is very close to the 12 week mark when we're all told is the point where pregnancy viability gets a lot safer.  I'm still not sure what I'd do.  But, I'm hoping I never have to actually make that decision.  One, MAYBE two babies is the goal!  Healthy, that's what matters most.
I saw this blog post tonight and really think when I do finally have that baby, I'd love a photographer in the room.  Those photos are just one in a lifetime!  Maybe I'll see how much my wedding photographer would charge?  Probably a fortune, but we'll see.  Gotta get there first!

Life On Hold

I feel like my life is on hold right now.  My whole life basically revolves around trying to have a baby right now, between the shots and the blood work and the ultrasounds every other day and then the waiting to see if it worked and then when it doesn't work waiting to try it all again.  I was thinking tonight about going on a vacation with my husband.  It's been a couple of years since we had a real vacation together (frankly, Knoebels doesn't count and actually was only something I started because I thought we'd have a baby by now).  I want to go to Mexico or Greece, anywhere that requires a bathing suit and a passport.  But, I can't plan vacation when I have to be at the doctor so often and so I wait until I am pregnant, but at this rate, who knows when or even if that is going to happen?!  I could take a break from trying to get pregnant for a little while, but I feel like that would be bad idea since I have the insurance right now and there's no guarantee I'll have my current job forever.  I would not be a happy camper if I didn't take advantage of my current insurance and then lost the opportunity!  So instead, I'll keep going.  I'll put the rest of my life on hold, (I can't even go to the gym!), and move on to the next step of IVF.  I'm not happy about it, but I am grateful that at least I have insurance that covers it.  And maybe I can go on vacation next summer!

Third Time's the Charm?!

Today was the day for my third (and final) IUI.  If it works, my husband and I will have a baby at the end of January and if it doesn't, we'll be moving on to IVF.  There were a few things that were different about this IUI than the others.

1. My husband had to work so I went alone this time.
2. We had the highest amount of swimmers and motility this time.
3. The room they did it in was different.
4. They left me with my legs up longer this time.
5. They are starting me on Progesterone earlier in the process.  The last two times they started me after my one week ultrasound, this time I'll be starting in 3 days.

Is this where the magic happened?

I'm hoping the next two weeks don't totally drag.  And I'm really hoping one of those 37 million sperm finds their destination.  I've been sitting with me feet up all day and trying to relax.  Those suckers better swim!

Needles and hormones

If you read my blog, or know me in person, you probably know that I'm going through fertility treatments.  Believe me, I never thought I'd be considering IVF (invitro fertilization) but things don't always work out like we plan!  When my husband and I first decided to expand our little family, we had no idea the journey we were in for.  It's been almost 2 years, 1 miscarriage, 4 rounds of Clomid and we are now on our third round of IUI (intrauterine insemination) with shots.  If this last attempt doesn't work, we will be moving on to IVF.
The first round of IUI, I was so optimistic, why wouldn't it work?  Especially since the doctors have pegged me with "unexplained infertility".  But, it didn't work.  Luckily, we jumped right into round 2 and sped up the process a little.  But, that didn't work either.  So now, I'm on round 3, three vials of Bravelle a night at this point and another doctor appointment tomorrow before work.
I have to say, it's really starting to take its toll on me mentally and physically.  I'm lucky enough to be producing a lot of follicles, but that's causing my ovaries to become enlarged, which is uncomfortable bordering on painful.  Not to mention, I've gained a ton of weight since I've started with the shots.  I have not actually weighed myself, but my stomach has gotten huge and none of my pants fit me.  It's not fun.  I could really do without this lovely side effect!  On top of that, I'm not allowed to go to the gym.  I can't risk, jostling things or even worse, twisting or flipping an ovary (who even knew this was possible?!), so I have to avoid the gym.  Also, I am so emotional!  I almost started crying at work the other day while talking to a co-worker and just tonight I started crying for no reason.  I have no idea why, I was just reading my blog roll and I started to cry!
I really can't wait for this all to be over.  I'm ready for that baby and I'm also ready to stop putting my body through these things!  Hopefully, the third time's the charm!

I get to stick one of these suckers in my leg every night!

Plastic and twins

More and more I'm hearing about BPA in plastic being harmful to your health.  I've read that it's a hormone disruptor, which could be a problem if someone is trying to get pregnant and today while sitting in the waiting room of the fertility clinic I read an article about it making you fat.  Any way you look at it, it doesn't seem like it's helpful.  So, I've been making a conscious effort to use less plastic.  I started by getting rid of my Smartwater bottle that I constantly REFILL.  Apparently, that is one of the worst things I could be doing!  And today I purchased glass pitchers at Crate & Barrel to replace the plastic pitcher I've been using to make iced tea in for the last 6 years (since we moved in this house) and I bought a Lifefactory glass water bottle to replace that Smartwater bottle.  I'm going to miss the sport cap, but I guess I'll get over it.

From Crate & Barrel

Lifefactory

While I was at Crate and Barrel I met my twin.  We didn't look alike but based on our conversation we had an eerie amount in common.  As soon as I said I was looking for glass pitchers she said, "Oh yeah, plastic is bad for you."  Most of the time people just think I'm nuts when I talk about something to do with the environment or chemicals or the food I eat.  We proceeded to have a conversation ranging from kale, to quinoa (which she pronounced correctly), to Chickfila (she shares my love and also appreciates that they are closed on Sundays).  She happened to be pregnant and we got on that topic so I shared that the reason I was looking into glass because of BPA being a possible cause for infertility.  I then told her a little about my experience and she said she'd pray for me and then told me about the medal she wore around her neck, Saint Gerard the Patron Saint of Motherhood.  I resisted my crazy and did not tell her we should be friends.  But I wish we were.  It was just so weird how much we seemed to have in common.  She even said she didn't own a microwave (we own one, but it's in the basement and we rarely use it)!  I mean, come on, we should totally be BFF!  No?

Miracles and Clean Rooms!

Friday was my IUI.  Now we just wait and see.  We're staying positive about it though!  But we thought since we are waiting for a baby we should make room for one.  So, we cleaned out the spare bedroom which has mostly been to hold extra crap and wedding stuff (yes, we got married in 2009), it had a brief use as a guest room for a couple days last year, but went right back to being a mess after.  No really, it was a mess.

 Before

After!

Of course, a few things still need to be done before a baby can go in there, but it's come a long way in a few shorts hours!  I mean, you can see the floor, that's gotta be good.  That bear on the futon was given to me by my now husband back when we were in college.  That's perfect for a baby room!

While cleaning out this room, I found a few things!  A $50 gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond from our shower.  Seriously.  A little tin box with letters from high school.  And a few random photos.

On the left we have my little brother, he was like 4, he's almost 18 now.  And on the right is me, my mom, and dad.  This is the last photo of us together.  Memories!

We're hoping to make some new memories in that spare bedroom, I'm thinking late nights and early mornings with a beautiful baby.  Until then, I think I'll be doing some yoga and reading in that room.  I'm hoping it's prenatal yoga, and "What to Expect When You're Expecting" reading though.  :)

Babies on the brain

With being in the process of IUI (intrauterine insemination for those not lucky enough to have experience with infertility!), I definitely have babies on the brain!  I've already decided on the nursery color (grey, of course), we've agreed on a boy name (which means we'll probably end up with a girl, since we can't agree on a girl name), and I've even started adding things to my Amazon wish list for baby (is that weird?).  I just happened to be looking at strollers on Target.com and I saw these strollers that made me laugh.

Peg Perego Aria Twin Stroller

Peg Perego Triplette Stroller

Twins are 25% more likely with IUI and triplets are less than 5% more likely!  Twins I can handle (hopefully) but anything more and I'm not sure I could handle it.  Of course, you handle what you have to, but I'm small and I have bad balance so I'm not sure my body could actually carry three (or more) babies at once.  That's not to say, I won't be happy with whatever I get, but I'm really just aiming for one!  Something more like this.

Mia Moda Energi Stroller

Feeling Guilty

Last week I posted about getting back on track with Livefit but unfortunately, that didn't happen.  I started shots for IUI and found out that I needed to keep the physical activity to a minimum.  I've been waiting too long to be ruin my chances so I can go to the gym, so I stayed home and tried to relax.  I feel guilty about it, but I have to think about what's most important right now.  What's important right now is giving myself shots every night at 10 pm, going for ultrasounds and blood work every other morning before work and putting all my positive energy into making this WORK.  I want this to be a one time thing.  I want to make sure that this year for my birthday, I'm getting good news and not bad.
In other news, I finally finished my personal training certification.  It only took me 2.5 years!  It's such a load off my shoulders!  Of course, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but I'm just glad I got it!  I'd love to use it to help me get into writing for magazines etc.  We shall see.