Current State

I feel like I need an intervention. I spent the end of 2013 on the Candida Cleanse; no sugar, dairy, grains and pork, among other things and by some crazy miracle, managed to become pregnant naturally after 6 failed rounds of IVF. Unfortunately, this didn't last and I had my second miscarriage at the end of April. Now it's July and I feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I didn't really react too much to my second miscarriage, except to assure myself and everybody around me that I was not giving up, that this miscarriage was not going to break me, if anything I was even more ready to fight for a baby of my own! This worked for a few weeks, I did research, I got back on a bunch of supplements to raise my progesterone naturally since that seemed to be my issue with both miscarriages and then I just kind of flopped. I stopped taking the supplements, I stopped going to the gym (again) and I started to eat anything and everything in sight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost on the cleanse, my stomach problems are back full force and my skin is broken out worse than it has been in a very long time. Yay me!

 

I'm struggling with this idea that I should be able to balance the good and bad foods, the working out and the couch sitting but it seems to be a whole lot of all or nothing with me. Am I destined to either be on a strict diet for the rest of my life or have stomach problems, no baby and acne? The thing that gets me the most I think is the resentment I have for all of it. Why do I have to do this when other people who are clearly not healthy have babies all the time? And even better, why when I did all that I was supposed to and finally got pregnant on my own, was that baby taken from me too?

 

I'm trying to create a life where I manage my stress effectively, but the questions and resentments swirling in my head are not helping. On top of all this, I sort of hate my body and know I need to lose weight (more weight) but I guess the part of me that relentlessly believes I will be pregnant again soon wonders what the point of losing weight is, if I'm just going to gain it back when I'm pregnant? Let's be clear, I am not obese, I am just a little more plump in certain areas. I'm sure there are some ladies who would be totally fine with my size, but I am not. This is probably because I was underweight most of my life. Not so much anymore.  Of course, even back then I wasn't happy with my body.  Does that ever change?  I sure hope so.

 

I guess ultimately I'd like to be at peace with myself, like on a regular basis and for longer than 2 seconds.  At peace with my current state.  Mind, body and soul?  Yeah, that sounds good.

Miracle Workers

I've spoken recently about wanting to become more at one with my body with yoga and meditation.  Then even more recently, I had another miscarriage.  While the whole thing is very sad, the thing I keep coming back to is that I actually got pregnant NATURALLY for the first time ever!  This is a big deal.  My doctor even called it a miracle.  I'm thinking he's the friggin miracle!  He basically gave me a 3 month timeframe to get me pregnant and then made it happen!  I have been enduring failed fertility treatment after failed fertility treatment for almost four years and this guy comes into my life and puts me on a detox diet, some supplements and does some acupuncture and I get PREGNANT!  I was in disbelief leading up to the test.  Sure, I obviously hoped he could make it happen, but I hoped the same thing with three other fertility specialists who all swore from the beginning that getting me pregnant would be not hard at all and then failed OVER AND OVER.  And this guy was just quietly confident but still never promised anything except to get me healthy.  So, even though it didn't quite work out this time, it's like the fire inside of me has been relit!  I'll admit, I was starting to waver and I was about to take a real break, even started considering the idea of adoption and then I got pregnant!  I firmly believe now, that we have the ability to heal ourselves with diet, exercise, and meditation.  I also now think I know what my problems have been all these years.  Two problems; inflammation and low progesterone.  I was able to fix the inflammation with my diet (even fixed my stomach and skin issues) but since I didn't test very early because I was on vacation and also because I was having a hard time believing that it could be true, I didn't catch the low progesterone early enough.  But, I'm on a mission now!  I have been kind of ordered to relax for a few months by both my midwife and my holistic D.O. (i.e. miracle worker) and in that time I plan to go back on the detox, go back to the gym, de-stress (stress lowers progesterone) and try to raise my progesterone naturally with supplements and herbs (I also plan to resume my year of fun!).  Then, at the end of the summer I will go back to the doctor and get my progesterone checked to see if I am able to raise it naturally and go from there.
So in my new frame of mind I have gotten very interested in people who talk about balancing hormones and overcoming infertility naturally and today I happened upon a website linked in a Goop newsletter (it's been slow at work so I've been catching up on 500 cajillion emails) for Be Hive of Healing (the word "healing" got me to click) and found the video from Fertility Planit with Dr. Habib Sadeghi.  These people are saying exactly what I believe!  I've only had time to watch two videos, but I plan to go through the site more and hope I can learn even more to help align with my current situation.




I didn't really plan to talk about this miscarriage on here but I've never been one to hold things in and I feel like maybe if more people were honest about miscarriages women wouldn't feel so alone when they have them.  I definitely dealt with this one way better than the first one but that doesn't mean that I'm not heartbroken, I'm just not defeated.  Maybe my body just wasn't as healthy as it needs to be yet.  I will make this happen one day and when I do finally hold my healthy baby in my arms, it will be that much more of a gift!

Becoming More at One with my Body

My body has it's problems, but I know for sure it could be worse, so I am thankful for it!  Still, I feel as though I should be treating it better and also pushing it more.  I used to do yoga (jeez like 10 years ago now) and while I was pretty awful at it, I was getting better.  Until I stopped.  I regret it so much that I stopped.  I can only imagine how much better I'd be at it if I had stuck to it and I'm sure my body would better off.  I've been thinking about getting back into it even though I know I'll still be awful and it'll probably be painful.  I have space in a spare bedroom (it's really a craftroom/thirty one storage space) where I can set up a mat and my laptop to have videos guide me.  If I was rich, I'd hire a personal teacher to guide me, but yeah, I'm not rich. 

I also would like to get back into meditation.  I tried going to a meditation center a couple times, but it wasn't guided and I usually ended up falling asleep or crying.  Yeah.  I have it all together.  I stopped going 1. because it's near my old job and 2. it wasn't really helping anyway.  I'm sure some of you saw Unplug Meditation on Goop last week.  That's the type of place I need!  I wish there was one around here.  I'm sorta kinda planning to visit L.A. in August, maybe I'll add this to my list of places to go!

Found this on Pinterest

A girl can dream!

Cherry Blossoms in Washington, DC

My mom has been asking to go see the cherry blossoms in Washington, DC for like 3 years now.  And this year being the year I decided to DO stuff because the last few years have been about unsuccessfully trying to have a baby, I made the plans to go!  Me, my mom, my little brother and luckily even my husband drove down to DC last Saturday to spend the night and see some cherry blossoms!  The goal of the weekend was pretty loose, see some cherry blossoms and maybe some other stuff.  Ha.  We planned to try to go to a few museums and eat some good food.  My mom wanted to go to the Holocaust museum and I wanted to go to the Fireworks Festival by the water (the food truck rally sold me) and Union Market (more food and also a pop-up at Thread).  Union Market is a lot like Chelsea Market in NYC (I was jut there 2 weeks ago for the first time and it was awesome!).  On the ride down, my brother said he wanted to go to the zoo.  We attempted this once we arrived, but it was just too crowded and the parking lot was full.  It was probably the first nice day of the year and also cherry blossom season, so the city was pretty packed!  We almost didn't get into the Holocaust museum either, but turns out military can get tickets even when civilians are being turned away due to the place being full.  My brother is the National Guard, so he got tickets for us.  After that sad experience we walked down to the water to the Fireworks Festival.  I bought some cupcakes and chocolate chip cookie bark and my family marveled at how much money I spend on such things.  I like to support the small business, especially the small food business.  The lines for the food trucks were very long and my family wasn't into the options, so we decided to check out Philips seafood, which was next to the Festival and advertised a seafood buffet.  We waited IN LINE for 45 minutes and the food pretty much sucked!  I thought that place was known for its seafood.  Not a fan.  I also wasn't a fan of the very long walk back to our hotel.  Have I mentioned my feet hate me?  They hate walking too.

Sunday we went to brunch at Kramerbooks & Afterwords.  This place is basically my perfect hangout. My husband and I used to (before it shutdown) spend are Friday nights at Borders drinking coffee and reading magazines (we are probably the reason it closed) and Kramerbooks is a bookstore, cafe and bar!  And it's open 24hrs. on the weekends!!  I'd be there all the time if I lived nearby.  It's right at Dupont Circle and there's a Farmer's market across the street on Sundays.  Ideal.  After brunch we checked out of the hotel and made our way to the National Museum of Women in the Arts where I was lucky enough to see a Kiki Smith sculpture.  We ran out of there pretty quick because our parking situation was questionable.  Luckily, Union Market had a lot, so parking was no issue.  I loved this place, but I'd like to visit on a Tuesday morning, not a beautiful Sunday afternoon when everybody is there!  We only managed to get a coffee, everything else was really packed (and also expensive) and my family wasn't really into it.  I should maybe explain that my family is perfectly happy at a chain restaurant when I'd rather seek out the small, local places.  Food is important to me.  Very important to me.  I take it very seriously and quite frankly, I'm willing to pay more for it.  I don't like to pay a lot for clothes, I'm a lover of the clearance rack, but $9 for a handmade candy bar from Brooklyn?  I'll take it!  My family thinks I'm nuts (but they eat the things I buy for them, no problem) and my husband tries to tolerate me (and he also has no problem eating what I buy).  Just refer to my trip to NYC last weekend.  

We also checked out the popup at Thread.  Very fun, but most of the items were out of my price range. Like I said, I'm more of a clearance rack girl!

All in all, it was a super fun weekend and I plan to go back for at least a day trip this summer!  And now for a few photos...

Pretty walk to the White House

The White House

Treasury

Me and my brother (maybe not my best look)

Capitol Building

Washington Monument

Impromptu Trip to NYC

While looking for museums in DC with Kiki Smith exhibits, I found out she had one at Pace Gallery in NYC.  But, it was ending in two days.  So, I decided to take a day trip to NYC!  I only live 2 hrs. away and I'm lucky enough to not work on Fridays, so why not?  I couldn't find anyone else interested or able to go with me on a Friday, but I'm fine with doing things alone.

I took two trains and arrived around 1 to a rainy, cold city.  First, I went to Pace Gallery to see the exhibit. 

Train selfie

Kiki Smith

Then, I decided to check out Chelsea Market.  I had googled it prior and it sounded like just the place for me!  Yummy food all around!

Los Tacos Lunch!

High line right next to the market

After the market and relaxing on the High line, I found Blue Bottle Coffee and got a mocha to help warm me up!  It was still rainy and cold, Spring apparently hadn't gotten the memo yet.  Unfortunately, since it was so cold, I didn't get to try the New Orleans iced coffee that Blue Bottle is known for.  I totally plan to go back and try this summer though and I hear it'll be sold in Whole Foods soon!

Serious coffee art (is that a thing?) skills!

After the coffee, I had to use the restroom so I went back to the market and decided lobster roll lunch boxes would be perfect for me to take home for dinner!  I apparently had lost my mind, I don't know why I thought carrying those on two trains (the one from NYC to Trenton was PACKED) back home would be fun.  I came home with cookies from Sarabeth's (and a mug for my sister, Sarabeth), brownies from Fat Witch, The King from Liddabit Sweet, and lobster roll lunch boxes from The Lobster Place.  It might be the first time I didn't come home with cupcakes!  I couldn't walk the next day, but it was a great time and I'm glad I went!  Can't wait to go back when it's warmer.

Osmia Organics samples

I've been trying to make the switch to natural skincare and beauty products, which means lots of sampling since my skin is NOT perfect and needs help.  I ordered a bunch of samples from Osmia Organics after reading about them on a few blogs, including 312 Beauty one of my new favorite blogs. I chose the spot treatment, detox mask, calibration serum, active toner, and black clay soap.  And they were nice enough to add in a few more things for me to try!  It came beautifully wrapped and with a handwritten note.  I gotta be honest, they had me at handwritten note!

I like all the products and was planning to buy the black clay soap right away, but then I saw they were making a new soap (which incorporates the black soap) on Instagram and now I'm waiting for that to debut.  I'm still deciding on the detox mask, the toner and calibration serum.  The thing about natural products, better ingredients mean a bigger price tag!  A girl has to space things out!  I'm also deciding on the spot treatment, I don't dig the smell.  Is that a weird reason?  Ha.  

Super cute!

I've used the mask twice now and have enough for one more shot.  After reading reviews, I think I was expecting a new face after I washed it off!  It's good, but apparently it won't give you a new face!  Haha.  It's a process.  I'm learning that.  I'm trying to be patient.  Anyone else use these products?

New look!

Working on updating the blog look!  Still need a photo of my face.  That's gonna take some work.  Ha.